my life (little daily vents)

6/12/25: for the past 2 week ive only gone outside once! a hour long walk in the park at 3am cus i was getting physically sick of staying in my room all day and wasting my life on the internet

during the walk, all i could think about was how much the pandemic fucked me up socially, most of 4th grade i missed, 5th and 6th i did online school and was pretty much void of any kind of human interactions, now im 15 and about to go into 10 grade in a few months. i literally cant hold a convo for more then 2 mins to save my life unless its with people im close to, and even then its a 5 min convo max (if they do most of the talking) ive lost so many friendships because i just never talked to them, why? because i never know what to say. even worse is how many girls fumbled (almost 3 now) the last girl... she really did like me, i was told many times by her friends and my friends that she had a huge crush on me and i had crush on her too, she's really pretty, but i fucked it up by being too much of a pussy to talk to her in person or on instagram. i left her on read for 2 week because i didnt know what to say to her (i really hate myself for that) and when it comes to school work... i was probably the person with the lowest grades in the whole school, none of my grade where above 20% expect maybe P.E but that one doesnt count. so much shit i was suppose to learn in 5th and 6th now feel impossible to learn. its the same shit every year since 7th, i fall behind little by little till i give up completely and do nothing for the rest of the year which just leads me to learning nothing and not being properly prepare for next year.