"Just-in-case-we-hook-up" friends

The other day I saw a video about of hooking up with men who identified as "DL". DL is a term that comes from gay, latino and african-american culture, used for men who live a heterosexual life, following the usual canon of masculinity, while being secretly gay. Many topics were brought in the video, but one of them stood up for me: gay men that simulated friendship with straight men just in case they had gay tendencies, or could even "turn them gay". I felt kinda exposed when that was brought up, and I've been thinking about it ever since, so I'll talk about it in this entry.

We are talking about a relationship dinamic in which a person befriends the other just in case they have the possibility of engaging with him or her in a sexual manner. We can see this kind of behavior when straight men try to flatter or even lovebomb a woman so she gives him an oportunity. This, of course, is not exclusive to straight men, but is less seen in gay men. In this case, the gay man starts being friends with the straight man, then tries to get freaky with them in a moment of vulnerability, such as when the straight guy opens up about his feelings, or when he somehow starts having doubts about his sexuality.

 Before discussing if this is a very bad thing or just something that kinda happens, i'd like to theorise why these kinds of relationships happen. It is actually quite simple, gay men's childhood is deprived of "sexual" encounters in most of the cases, because statistically there are less gay people than straight people, opression, or a mix of both. This makes the idea of sex more desirable in the future for the gay man, and makes him prone to use more "shady" methods to obtain it, as desire + opression often equals crime.

 But, even having a initial disadvantage when interacting with sexual partners, gay men (in developed environments) usually have methods to find other gay men easely (sadly, Grindr), why do we chase the straight men over those who we already know we have an oportunity with? Probably because straight men are stereotipically more masculine than gay men, and masculine men are usually more atractive to gay men than those who are femenine.

 So... now we have to decide if gays chosing masculine men over the femenine ones is a bad thing. I've seen many people complain about this, saying that we gays are determined by the social system to find masculine men more desirable, but, in my opinion, the love for  masculine men is not entirely a reflection of our social system's flaws, but a biological

 This I think it may be a very unpopular opinion, which could have an entire entry for its own, but I think, regardless of the gender, femenine people tend to be more atracted to masculine people. This is not caused by patriarchy or misoginy or stuff like that, but because whatever roles are taken by those who are masculine in a society complement the roles of the femenine ones and the other way back: its just more convenient for the manly to be with the femenine.

 This, of course, does not represent ALL of the gay couples out there, but I do think it's what usually happens. Another important point to make is that this "selection process" is not made deliberately, when I find another dude atractive I don't choose to do so. This process goes the other way for masculine gay men, they tend to chose femenine men as their sexual partners.

That's why I don't think the gay comunity liking masculine men more than femenine men is a bad thing, it's what naturally happens, it's a social AND biological phenomenon. Still, if you are a femenine gay man that is into twinks or femboys you are not a weirdo, just naturally uncommon (slay).

We can't ignore the big elephant in the room tho, seeking men, stablishing medium-to-long-term relationships with them and making them think that you are actually their friend just to try having sex with them is horrible, I'm sure that the straight man would end up hating gay people or having trust issues or smth like that. It's also very cruel, at the end of the day you are treating that man like a d*ldo. Please don't manipulate people just to get sex.

In my case, I haven't really had any kind of these relationships, or, at the very least, I do enjoy being friend with some of my friends even tho I also find them atractive. It's so easy to just be respectul man. In conclusion, we shouldn't engage with such depredatory behaviours because we end up doing the same actions that make people complain about straight men. This apparently affects a lot of gay men, so what do you think? Has this ever happened to you? (even if you aren't a gay man). 

♥