being a human is tiring

hi people of this tiny laptop who have spacehey, it's me again, after another 8 months lol

in the last 8 months a lot of stuff happened tbh. broke up with my bf, got two new friends (i still contact my friends from venezuela tho), failed 3 subjects at school for the first time, discovered new music, didn't get along with my new classmates, and missed my country a lot.

change is hard as fuck tbh. i've been listening nonstop to "vivo" (alive) by gustavo cerati, the song that keeps me going rn. i feel tired, i feel like giving up a lot of times but i know i can't... not *that* way, just the things i'm doing rn. school has been DRAINING, went from having straight A's to "as long as i pass",  i haven't gotten along well with my classmates bc they always leave me out and when i try to talk to them i feel like i'm talking to a fucking wall or they just get away from me.

i ask myself sometimes if i'm really the problem bc this isn't the first time it happens, it has been happening to me since elementary... been through 7 schools and i felt good in just 2 of them. this isn't one of them. and i swear i try to be nice to everyone and i'm open to meeting new people but it's like i'm a fucking insect repellent or something. i feel alone even though i have two friends in the other classroom. am i really that bad? my ex was right after all...?

rn i should be studying physics and chemistry for an upcoming exam but i feel like i need to spit out a lot of feelings i've been hiding all this time. i'm not okay. i miss my friends, my old school, my grandma and my grandpa, my parrots, my home... i'm tired of living in a single bedroom with my parents. i'm tired of trying and failing. but i cannot go back. my friends are graduating in a few days so i can't go back to my old school. but i feel so damn tired.

i wish i could disappear. become nothing for a while. be part of the infinite galaxies in our space.