This Year was BAD

In June 2024 I realized how truly alone I was. As a freshman I wasn't in the academy my best friend Ashton was in meaning that we didn't have any classes together whatsoever which resulted in me not having any friends. The people who I was surrounded by clearly didn't have any deep connections cuz yknow they're just a bunch of edgars. When the school year ended I, Ashton, and other friends from the academy took a summer PE course and throughout the month of June I slowly realized: I do not have a bond like any of these people do. My whole life I've just had surface level friendships and my ass never bothered to get to really know anyone besides Ashton and maybe Roman. I don't really know how to be someones close friend.
I REALLY wish I could actually be someone's close friend but it feels like everyone has already made their decision on who to be close with. But I've also had thoughts that maybe I'm not trying hard enough. It started really weighing on me during the second semester when Ashton got even closer with other people and started prioritizing them over me, I'm not saying that he should've paid all his attention to me obviously, but it still makes me feel like shit.
I struggled a lot. It didn't help that it seemed like people were starting to just get FUCKING SICK OF ME. I make a lot of ironically bad jokes for some fucking reason and people started to just straight up tell me to shut up. Hearing Scilla, MJ, and Gianna just not really like me hurt so bad. I don't blame them though, I'm so rude and annoying it's kind of just part of my personality. Maybe I do it for attention?? I'm so unsure. There was so many more problems I had including stuff about my family, gender, and other shit, but I've yapped enough. I don't even know why I'm writing this since the only person I know irl who will see this is my brother and I don't really know if I want his opinion. Last thing I want to mention is: Does anyone know why whenever I need to cry I just start yawning? I searched online, but I don't know if theres a solution.