Long Time No See!!

Hello interwebs, in which I throw all of my issues and random life updates at!! WHAT IS UP!?? A lot has changed in the (almost) year it has taken me to get back to you guys. I think I wrote that last entry shortly after my most recent ex had broken up with me, and I was laying in a couch-bed at my ex-roommate's house. Which, honestly rereading it is kind of... not embarrassing because what I was feeling was so real to me in that moment. But, now that I've successfully moved on and I have actually grown as a person? I can't believe I got so worked up over that. I can't believe someone showed me that they were exactly NOT the person I thought they were, and I STILL dug my toes into the sand and held my ground. 

I guess that comes with having to learn things the hard way. I don't know why I was, and still sort of am that way. It's definitely some level of embarrassing. Nonetheless, I have reformed! 

So, I had this really bad habit of just trying so desperately to get his attention. Something to make him worry about me.. but not falsely? Like I wasn't coming up with fake ails to make him worry. I was just actively waiting for it. That sounds terrible and pathetic but it's the truth. Once he moved back here from OK, I was still hooked, and looking for his car. I even tried to establish a friendship with him, despite my friend's best efforts to NOT do that. 

Anyways, I eventually realized that really, genuinely, he had been ultimately so deceptive to me. he had also just used me. In a strange way as well? It's like if he couldn't get some sort of attention from clawing at the feet of girls around him, he would turn around and tell me about the girls he was aching to get with. At this point, I had already been toyed with and broken by a guy I was hooking up with. 

OH YES! Evil twink. So, I met this guy through a mutual friend and he messaged me. We played Minecraft once and of course that is all you need before you sleep with someone, right? 

Not to mention he was always talking about his ex being psycho (which actually this time, proved to be true! EXCEPT THEY WERE BOTH PSYCHOS!!!!) 

He was younger than me, and was weirdly charming with a mustache. At the same time, I always had an off feeling about him. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CONTINUOUSLY IGNORE THIS FEELING WHEN IT COMES TO PEOPLE!! But he was always feeding me little lies, and even big ones! Like that he used to be homeless in a bigger city, and had actually been an infamous drug lord! YES! He was 16 telling me this by the way.. 

Ugh! I just clench my fists at the thought of everything I let him get away with! Everytime I let him into me, emotionally, mentally and physically! It makes my blood burn. I was so foolish. 

What really was the tipping point in all of this, was when my sweet and  playful dog Goose died. I was so distraught. It had been so sudden, I was literally sitting in the Taco Bell parking lot when I got the call. I had instantly burst to tears, so of course I call the person who was my "friend." 

Idiot. He took it. He took my time to mourn and balled it in his little, uncalloused and wretched fist. 

But the putrid part is that it worked. For a moment, longer than I'd like to admit, my mind was not on my dog. My all-loving, sweet, charismatic dog that loved me more than this puny little man ever would. I was not worried about his passing, I was worried about this grimey, attention seeking and rightfully emotionally neglected man trying to get attention from me that he couldn't get from his ex and his gluttonous, sloth parents. It sends shivers up my back I get so angry about it!! How could I have fallen for such a pathetic attempt!!

Well, quickly after this I flipped. I flipped so hard and was so.. out of it. But in a good way. I guess maybe I had restarted on a blank slate on what I would tolerate, how I'd handle things around me. It was honestly healing. I started watching Leo Skepi and listening to Fiona Apple. Strange duo to put together in a sentence, but.

I really can't put into words how I flipped. I blocked him on everything. I told him he will miss me. I finally got my stuff from him not long ago. 

I guess what had happened was I realized how genuinely gullible I am when it comes to anything romantic or sexual entering my life. it's like I get glazed eyed and believe anything. It's sad. 

But anyways, I've since bettered my life and I've honestly entered such an amazing headspace! I recently turned 19, so adulting has gotten easier. I've faced hardships, but now my only issues are making the right decisions for myself and bettering my life further! I've shed my weary skin and grown into something better. Like a cool butterfly with steel wings. Like a butterfly airplane. I dunno. 

i've recently been talking to this guy, his name is Hunter. I really like him so far, and I mean that in a not ditsy, brainwashed way.

Anyways, thanks for reading! XOXO