entitlement is my fatal flaw

I have been delaying the inevitable in my life— choosing which direction to embrace— for 6 years now. It has led to me acquiring an ungodly amount of undergraduate credits and a nervous grip on my school. As my final year is ending, I now must confront the one lasting feeling that has haunted my heart. My entitlement to greatness does not match the outcome of my effort, and I am likely not destined for it at all.

I wonder if it’s an affliction of being in my 20s, but the time is slipping through my fingers and everywhere I look, people have accolades stacked past the length of my life. There’s this ridiculous ache in my chest when I aim for things that I really, truly want. The ache says thus: ‘ You’re good, but they don’t want someone like you!’

I always retort, "Well why not, Im just as capable as anyone else?’

And there is never any response.

The ache only deepens as I see my peers bite into all of my dreams, proving my proximity to them and yet, also proving they arent mine to have. I wonder how much of it has to do with my ‘energy’ or the ‘law of assumption’. I always scratch that out when I think of how often I decide something based on something as ambiguous as someone’s energy. I never do!

I am constantly living between the need to detach myself from these standards of success that I know are capitalistic benchmarkers and proving myself within the structure. Maybe my ego is what’s killing me and I need to step back into humility. Talking to a friend led to me openly admitting I believed I could do the job of President of the USA. Is that my vice?

What do you do when your image of yourself does not align with the image others have of you? What do you do when your knowledge of your own capability is gnawing at you inside out because you aren’t being given the opportunity to demonstrate otherwise?

-E