encore!.. is what i WOULD say to myself if i were any good

so. incase it wasn't PAINFULLY obvious—i'm a theatre kid. unfortunately, i am also a perfectionist (not of my own will). my theatre class is so SO very fun and it never fails to brighten my mood and/or excite me. there are hardly any cons to it, except for the fact that i didn't start off immediately good at acting. of course, literally no one does, yet the part of me that has gotten used to striving for nothing but the Absolute Best just can't seem to get it.

my blocking is all wonky and robotic (whether it be from growing up on animation memes or pure anxiousness) and i always Always criticize it when i notice it. i criticize myself harshly if anyone else notices it. and i have zero idea what to do about it EXCEPT criticize myself for it! one would question how someone so horribly insecure would find itself in a class where you're required to act. my answer; hell if i know.

i guess my delivery/reading of lines is okay. i wanted to be a voice actor once when i was younger, and i guess i have a more animated voice than most people when i'm not completely empty on the inside, almost like a storytime youtuber (and surprisingly, i barely watched any). even still i would call my current """skills""" (if you can even call them that) not good enough.

and i'm not asking for sympathy or attention, if it was different i'd be Happy, not here typing paragraphs. then again, suppose Satan wants a glass of water down in hell. too bad, so sad.

this school based perfectionism came from a lack of parental validation and academic expectations from my mother, i believe. if the teachers tell me they're proud of me, it means more than words. they only do that when i perform well. so! if i ONLY perform well, i can fill that need that was barely given. no, this is not tying into anything more—that's just how my brain figures this works. 

but y'see, it's really not that easy. a school is a public environment. other people want and will strive for good marks too. people will do better than me, and then i'll think "well, chop chop! whatever this is right here isn't good enough! look at [x]!" and then i'm stuck in a loop of constant self judgement and guilt. "mediocre!" "worthless!" "idiot!" "mid!" the retorts don't stop coming.

and here comes the fun part!! 

This happens with everything I do.

i can't draw without having a 60% chance to hate it and tank my entire mood, i can't play games that i'm not instantly good at or i'll be mad at myself the whole time, and if i do either, i need literally so much reassurance to not crashout on myself that it's fucking insane. and EEEVEN then! it still won't be enough!!!?!? it's a miracle anyone deals with me at all!

but yeah. my apologies for two vent posts in a row, no joke this shit kept me up last night. you wouldn't believe how much regret i feel over myself on a natural basis. or, perhaps you might after seeing this post. 

on a happier note.. i do plan to make a 2nd part for my 'i like EDM!' post, as well as add music to that one. in fact, i believe i'll be making quite the few music posts! for now, i'm going to go browse some more punk patches. i might post about my battle vest soon, but currently, it's only got one Acid Bath patch atop the right pocket. ciao, take care spacehey.