TW: Death

My mothers mothers name was Diane. She lived in Virginia, a world away from where I grew up. I saw her annually. Every summer spending two weeks sleeping in her guest room bed and getting sunburnt. When I was little she would give me massages before bed. I was closer to her then. At some point I started feeling like there was some wall between us that only I could see. She had 3 other grandkids who lived a 5 minute walk from her house. They were all so close always hanging out as a family, telling eachother everything. I saw the relationship my cousin's had with their families and knew I could never have that. I would try and stay at the table to talk after dinner but the fox news playing in the background was always whispering to me, telling me to go hide away, because if I stayed too long they might find something out about me that would make them send me aways anyways.

She sent me money for my birthday and christmas, a warm thought but a cold reminder she didn't even have a clue what kinds of things I'm into. None of it was her fault, I was paranoid when I should have been enjoying my time with her and it's not like I know everything about her either. I don't even think I know when her birthday was.

I don't know when she died, sometime this week probably? In all honesty I don't know if she even is dead. All I know is that on my birthday and the only message I got from my mom was that she was in hospice. Not the sweetest thing to happen on your sixteenth. Then for the past 3 days both of my parents have been calling my phone nonstop saying there's something they need to tell me. I've been ignoring them, letting their calls ring. I already know and I don't need them to tell me.

I wish I could have been a better granddaughter when I had the chance, I love you.