Report Blog Entry
To be completely honest, I don't know how to feel about my mom anymore.
When I was younger, I always admired her, a single mom working her ass off just so her kid could be living comfortably. Even though she rarely showed me any affection or attention when she was home because she'd be to tired from work, I never doubted her love for me. But as I grew up, I started realizing that our relationship as mother and daughter was not normal at all. Almost everyday in primary school, i would be the last to be picked up by my grandparents because my grandpa was always oversleeping. So, I would sit there and wait and observe. I watched as all these kids and their parents picked them up, all smiles and exchanging words of affirmation. I tried to think of any times I did that with my mom and nothing came to mind. Honestly if you asked me now, I still wouldn't be able to.
I was quiet, majority of the times. I used to be really bubbly but she yelled at me to 'shut up' in a mall when I was like 6. I remember holding in my tears the entire time too. T-T I started changing in secondary/high school. I guess that's when I started getting rebellious and going against her. I just felt so trapped, like she was controlling everything I was doing. I just felt so suffocated, and I still do.
After I graduated, she's a bit more relaxed I guess. She's cool and chill sometimes. She still says hurtful things to me though. I've never truly felt confident in myself. My skills, my looks especially. Recently I went back to the cycle of starving myself that I did in primary school. Starve --> Craving --> Overeat and repeat. Not to mention, my skin's breaking out really bad again. I just feel so disgusting and ugly and my mom does such a great job at reminding me how fat I am and pointing out each individual zit that's popped on my face.
It's getting worse, I find myself getting more aggressive and angry in her presence, in her embrace. She's done so much for me so I feel guilty because out of all the 17 years she's raised me, I can only list the negatives.
I wish we were normal, I wish I was normal. I don't know if I can do this anymore, she makes me have these depressing thoughts. I'm slowly starting to feel hatred but I don't want to. I can't help it. I just want her to love me and apologize sincerely, and not forced.
I don't even know if this makes sense, everything I've written is watered down, messy and jumbled up. I can't find the right words and I just want to cry.
Comments
Displaying 1 of 1 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
cam!!!★
i feel like personally i can relate to you and i want you to know that your not alone. in my case my parents are heavily conservative (canada) and so they are very very very homophobic and especially transphobic. middleschool was my little gender exploration phase and during that my mom would make constant comments on how i dressed and acted, she said i looked like a boy or would ask (in very public spaces) if i was pretending to be a boy. now i am 16 and i dress more fem then i used to because ive decided i dont care about gender and i express myself outwardly how i feel and not how my gender says i should dress. i also dont know what my gender is because i just dont really care all that much. my mom makes comments about how i dress now, saying things like "im glad you dont dress like a boy anymore" or "your finally starting to look like a girl again" which can be frustrating.
apart from that, she comments on my body hair wayyyyy to often, its actually very annoying. i choose not to shave my armpits or legs in the winter because i dont need to, im wearing clothes where people dont see my arm hair and as long as im showering and wearing deodorant i shouldnt have that much of an issue with hair. but she always comments on it, like all the timeee.
in middleschool i cut myself and now ive been clean for almost a year but even then, she still points at my arms and legs IN PUBLIC SPACES (like the beach, in stores, at my school) and she'll comment on my scars. "wow they are finally fading!" or she will just go "your not still doing that right?" its very very embarrassing and very very annoying and it just makes me feel insecure. im trying to feel better about my scars, especially because its summer and it can be hard to wear shorts or a tank top when my mom will comment on my body T_T
also just other things moms comment on like acne, eyebags, hair frizz or body fat is literally so degrating
holy sorry for the yap T_T i was relating
by cam!!!★; ; Report