childhood

my childhood is something i choose to forget,

sometimes i will get flashbacks to what it was,

but i choose to push it down instead of remember,

from a very young age i was introduced to addiction,

my mother started off with alcohol when i was young,

she’d drink and drive, become very angry when she’d drink,

my earliest memory of my mother is her getting pulled off my grandpa and getting detained by police officers because of how aggressive she’d get,

i didn’t know what it was, i was young, but realizing now my mother was a shitty person, but it doesn’t define her, it was the disease she had. the addiction. 

the disease she has is something i’d never wish on anyone, it’s evil.

she got out of her alcoholic stage and turned to harder shit, opioids, crack, then fentanyl. 

i’m grateful to say that she has survived everything, my mother is a strong woman and i admire her everyday for it.

the disease she has is evil, it takes over someone.  

the things they do under the disease isn’t them, i’ve come to realize that.

my mother isn’t a bad person; she’s misunderstood. i wish people could see that.

she turns to these things because she has issues, plenty of them. 

drugs were an evil thing that came about in our world.

the crazy thing to think about is now, everything that they pick up isn’t even the drug anymore, everything has fentanyl in it, and it is evil.

i think the thing people need to realize the most about addicted is theh are just normal people.  

nobody chooses to wake up and begin addiction, it’s something that takes over you. 

every drug you do, you have to pay the consequence 10 times harder. 

i will never use drugs because i know myself i have an addictive personality.  

unfortunately i picked up nicotine. 

nicotine is not as bad as crack, or heroin, but it is evil.  i sometimes wish i never picked up that damn vape. 

i know from seeing my mother and fathers addictions that i cannot even think about trying drugs, it will ruin my life. 

that’s what i wish my dad would realize.

he’s horrified im going to turn out like him and my mother, which is understandable, the addiction gene in our family is insane.

but i wish he’d just have hope in me, i wish he’d look at me and realize i am not going to make the same mistakes that he has made. 

i understand where he’s coming from, my father is an evil man but i know he still views me as his little girl, and i appreciate that.

my dad was there when my mom couldn’t be, my dad got sober for me.  he was an addict as well, pills, heroin, you name the drug my dad was on it. 

but he sobered up for me, and that’s how i know my father does love me deep down, as much as he doesn’t show it, i know he does.  

he is an alcoholic though, and i wish he’d put down the drinking for his health and for everyone’s sanity. 

him and my stepmom drink every night, and drinking is probably the worst drug there is.

people don’t realize alcohol is a drug, it’s the worst drug out there, and it’s legal, which makes it worse.

when you drink alcohol, you are literally poisoning your body, it’s awful.  

drinking makes you act out, you’re out of control of your body, you don’t think before you act you just do.

that’s why i don’t like it, i don’t like drinking at all.

i’ve smoked pot, multiple times unfortunately, but i know how to not get addicted to it, which im beyond proud of myself for, i push those cravings down.

i wish my dad could realize how good of a person i am because of it, but he’s still worried that im going to become like him, when im not. 

nothing like him. 

addiction is an evil disease, and i would never ever wish it upon my worst enemy, because i have seen first hand multiple times what it does to someone. it fucks them up. it ruins them. it ruins relationships, health, and themselves.  watching a loved one get addicted is probably the most heart breaking experiences. but all you can do is just sit back and hope they can get better, because when they want to get better, that’s when the healing journey begins.

i just hope and pray when my mom gets out she’s here for good. i can’t handle seeing another relapse from her, it’ll kill me.  she needs to understand that if she relapses this time, she could die. she could kill herself from it. she has been so lucky that she has survived this disease multiple times, and if she leaves this earth, i don’t know what i’d ever do.  even if my mom has barely been in my life, well, let me rephrase this.

she has been in my life; in and out of it. that was not my mother tho, it was the disease within her.  when my mom is sober she is the sweetest person ever.  she cares for people, she cares for me, she actually shows love and emotions.  when that disease takes over her, she doesn’t care, she’ll do anything just to get that high, and it’s evil.  

so please, if you’re reading this, don’t turn to drugs, they will make your life worse.  same with suicide, suicide will never be the answer.  sayinf that sounds evil, but it truly isn’t.  you can reach out and get help, even though talking about feelings is so evil, trust me, i know, but if you have close friends, explain to them how you feel.  i’m grateful i have kierian in my life, they always know how to calm me down with whatever im going through.  i couldn’t be happier knowing i have them in my life.  

please reach out for support, i promise you nothing like the things i mentioned is worth it.