everything that will happen already did and is happening again soon

I am lost. I feel as though I've died already and I'm living through the filler.

I've recently taken to rewatching Glee. There was an oddly profound moment in the memorial episode, which to any Glee watcher is an out-of-place addition to the mess of the fifth season. There was a moment where Puckerman says that he is in a place of existential dread because of all that was listed on Finn's grave or the dates he was born and the date he died. His life was summed up by the line between the lines that indicates ‘through’. Puckerman at this moment, felt that the line was not enough to capture the human essence.

Today, I imagine myself old and withered. I furrow my brows and will my bones to ache, locking them into gravity. Once they're properly secured to their place, I begin to imagine each breath I take is my last. That the sensation of being old, and they will melt away in the stillness of anticipation. Perhaps for a brief moment, my youth will come back. However, for now, I'm taking on the burden of my older self because, inversely, through placing myself on her deathbed, I feel her age and it is horror distilled.

There's something exhilarating about the loop of breath when you imagine that you are on the brink of your death. Certainly, you hope that another breath will come, but radical acceptance says that you are fine either way.

Exactly how you feel now is exactly how you will feel on your deathbed.