Hysterical and useless

If I ask you can I lie beside you in your grave? I think now, you'll say no. I can feel the thoughts running down my arms like the juice of the mango you cut for me that summer, I can feel your blood erasing everything I own in my own body and replacing it with the ruins of a traitor, a sinner, a bandit, I want a permanent home build from concrete not the rocking planks of your imagination. I can feel the misery spread into the room when I walk in and you're sitting there wishing for a saviour but it's just me. I wanted to look like him, your god you seek so much but then I learned that to you, it's just a derangeed picture of me, of her, of him and it's your disturbed mind that dipicts it as a miracle descended from heaven, but I'm not a creature from heaven, I'm a creature from your womb, and i think that's why you repulse me because more than I have you in me, you have me in you. And so if I were you maybe I'd also repulse me too, maybe I'd too see me as the demented creature crawling from hell to you asking for your lap and fingers. One day I'm gonna grow wings as I melt into waters dirtier than your womb's because I'm a rotten, rotten thing. One day I'm gonna grow wings as I melt into an embrace warmer than yours because I've only ever known hell so anything that puts the fire to rest kills me. One day I'm gonna grow wings as I'll burst open through the veins where you flow. One day I'm gonna wings through my chest and I'll crawl on my back, one day I'm gonna outgrow these walls, one day you'll wanna lie beside me but my bed would long cold and empty. One day you're gonna apologize and if I'm buried before that then I'll crawl back to you, just like I did the first time. 
~zita

feel my tears as I'm begging to you with broken ankles.