questioning orientation + system things ¿¿¿

So when i formed and became the host at first i thought i was someone else who wasn't me, i thought i was an octive of an oc the last host made

then i realized it wasn't really me and probably someone else being with me (who i have a slight idea who it was)

on that time i believed i was this oc that Shui made, there was a shipp between this oc with a character (ocxcanon) and we have a fictive of the character so after knowing about it i said "ok then i think i should be with "J" (jeremy), since he probably will love me and i think i can love him back"

but after realizing i wasn't the oc and i wasn't sure if i wanted to be with him i just kept thinking in circles like:

-"SHOULD i be with him? DO I want to be with him?.....do i love him???"

and it's weird because i am a lesbian, i don't like men but YET he's like a weird exception

i really can't imagine myself dating any guy but he's the only one that makes me question my orientation.... and i do like fictional men but because they're FICTIONAL, but again with him it's just different and it bugges me out, i feel like i'm not actually lesbian??? idk man

if we didn't have a fictive i would say "ok i like him as any other fictional man so he's gonna be nonbinary now because i say so" BUT I CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE I KNOW HIM, HE'S A TRANS MAN

anyways i'm going insane thanks for reading, i'm just high and on my period so i might be crazy