Useless

I can litterally type anything I want because no one reads this anyways.

I'm feel so fucking useless all the time. Every single hobby I have am I either bad at or are my friends better at. Im so fucking compentive all the time it hurts but I cant stop comparing myself to everything my friends are that I couldve been if I wasnt such a fucking dickhead. I did so many things - Ballet, streetdancing, drawing lessons, swimming, kungfu, extra sports, piano lessons, chinese lessons, singing, dancing, acting and I can't do any properly at all. I quitted ballet at a young age because I was jealous of the other girls, I stopped streetdancing because I couldn't stand looking at my fat body while other skinny girls were with , I suck at drawing and im always with my friends who can do it so much better, I dont enjoy swimming as a sport, I quitted kungfu for no absolute reason except that I was lazy, I dont remember why I stopped extra sports - I couldve been so skinny now :( - I was once good at piano lessons until my teacher got sick and instead of finding a new one I didnt touch my piano for a good whole year, every since Corona my chinese skills just went downhill and I genuinely think I have dementia because I dont get why I keep forgetting everything after 10 years of chinese language, I can't sing at all, I can't look at myself while dancing because I feel so disgusted and I can't fucking act no more how much I try because ill always end up as that fat girl with too much confidence. 

Im not good in school - I have decent grades - I dont have any special skils, I'm not pretty at all -

- Another bullshit thing is that I can't talk about my problems without sounding like a pick me AT ALL. I can't even vent to my friends because I feel so fucking disgusted with my attitude. Theyre all so pretty and I just want to look like them BUT THEY CANT EVEN SEE IT THEMSELVES. I can never bring it up because ill just look like an attention seeker.

Some irl friends are bevriended with me on spacehey but its not like theyre checking my account anyways so im just gonna vent in blogs.

I hate my smile. I hate it so much. I used to smile so much with my teeth until my mom told me I looked ugly like that. Youll never catch me smiling with teeth on camera. I only smile like that with my friends when they make me laugh but whenever I realize I do that I just feel so digusted. I hate it.

I hate how fat I am, how it ruins my looks so much. Im so fucking overweight and im doing nothing about it. I always eat unhealthy and I just cant fucking stop. Whenever I complain about it I just hear that voice in my head saying that I wouldnt look like this if I really tried my best. And I dont. Im not trying my best. I know I wouldve looked pretty if I lost weight, if I did workouts in the gym and if I ate healthy. But I just cant. I cant do that. I need to eat that food im eating. and I cant tell my parents about any of it. Im too ashamed to go to the gym because the boy im talking to also goes to the closest one from my home - I cant go there. And I dont have an excuse to go there. The last time I got caught doing exercises at home my mom told me ''I had big bones'' and that I wasnt fat. Mama im not dumb.

I hate the way how big my hands and feet are. Its so embarressing. My hands are actually massive since childhood and I have 42 EU shoe size - im a 14 yo girl! Im not supposed to have this big feet. It ruins my outfits and I cant buy the cute shoes you see everywhere because I CANT FIT THEM. And whenever I would hold hands - With anybody, really - Im just so fucking ashamed of how big they are. Why cant I have small hands and small feet that fit every shoe. Why do I have to be so fucking giant.

Im so jealous of my friends. One is so good at drawing that I can only feel envy - Its horrible, really. I can't do anything without feeling envious and be competive. One friend has been playing exact the same years piano as I do and they are just so much better in every way possible. I hate it. I want my own skill and my own thing. And this latina friend of mine - shes so beautiful, really. she doesnt  see the potential that she has. I wish I had her beauty. She could have any boy she wants and she just doesnt see how much everyone admires her. Why cant I be like her, or any of my friends, really. I have one friend thats just so easy to bevriend and is so social, she has so many friends and I just want to be social as well. But I cant, because im a fuckass loser. Im so fucking useless I want to vomit.

I have currently exams, and a few days before it started I got bad sick, and layed in bed all day doing nothing instead of studying. So now my grades are going to drop because of that stupid sickness. I hate this.

I want to cry so bad but I dont even have a proper reason why I should.

How am I ever supposed to get a boy to like me if im worth nothing?

Yiyi ꩜ .ᐟ