blog entry 05 : 07/06/2024

overview:

well physically, nothing really happened but today I feel like I looked at myself through a new perspective that I never even knew I could see. It feels so strange to know new things about your own mind day by day it scares me. What facts about myself are still untold that I don't even know myself. My biggest fear after god is probably others seeing through me before I can see through myself. Anyways from what I was thinking today, it's quite obvious I'm an alone person if you have read my previous blogs. I was just thinking deeply about if I had a partner what things I would be fine with them doing to me but wouldn't be acceptable to society. And I just realized I would be completely fine with my partner or love of my life physically abusing me. It would be a problem if they're doing it to someone else I wouldn't tolerate that but I can't see any wrong if they hit me if they're angry with me for a genuine reason like I feel it would be too easy for me to forgive them. But I shouldn't probably. I don't know if it's because of k*nky shit or because of my trauma. But if it was related to k*nks I wouldn't probably forgive them if they hit me without consent. this should fall into the vent or rant side of the diary but this is the highlight of the day. Also I think I'll take a pause from reading my book as I got burnt out from reading too much

things I'm proud that I did today:

♡ played 3 episodes of phantom of the opera : deeply thought about my self identity and what I want in a relationship : had a good sleep : oiled my hair

things I'm not proud that I did today:

♡ nothing in particular

plans for tomorrow:

♡ read 5 pages of pride and prejudice : watch a movie : play 1 episode of phantom of the opera 

rant / vent: 

♡ I also thought about k*nks today , at first I thought getting hit was probably a k*nk but then realized no I wouldn't want to be slapped during sex at all. Anyways the rant is about scary fucking k*nks and how do these people actually commutate with their partners about it. I'm really curious. Especially kinks such as v*re and g*re. How do you come out to your partner about that without scaring the shit outta them??? Moreover convincing them to play along. . . Unless you're 100% sure beforehand that they're also into that. I don't know about you guys but I am a kink shamer and will always be a kink shamer. If my partner ever comes up to me confessing they're into v*re / g*re / watersports / ddlg I am breaking up right there. 

♡ no vent 

if you cared enough to read this far thank yew, you're very awesome and we should definitely talk (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠) !!!