Welcome to my first and hopefully not last blog entry. Today I want to tell my story/give a rough timeline of the three years I spent with an abusive man.
In October 2016, I went to a gathering with my then-boyfriend and some of his family friends. Afterwards, his parents were driving me home when I casually quoted from someone who used the F-word. His mom exploded and said "Ladies do not swear!" I said I just read a quote from my phone and she/boyfriend said it didn't matter. Next day, I went on a chat room and spoke to an individual who would eventually become my fiance. We spent hours talking about the experience I had and he said those people weren't good for me. From then, I distanced myself from my boyfriend, eager to get away from the environment I was always in.
Over the course of the next three months, until January 2017, we got closer day by day. He said within 24 hours that he considered me his partner, showering me with love daily. However, even during the honeymoon period, he would be unkind at times. An example was when his phone died and I got anxious about where he was. He asked me when I was going to stop being hostile towards him.
January 2017, I split up with my boyfriend after being sick and tired of the toxicity I was subject to around his parents. After this, I started an online relationship with my new boyfriend, the man from the chat room. Initially he was supportive and kind, proud of me for getting away from the toxic situation.
Between January and July 2017, we got to know each other and planned for him to come and visit me. (He was from the UK) This time was mostly peaceful, save for the occasional big fight if he was stressed about anything. He was doing poorly in college at this point and frequently skipped classes. His main reason was that he didn't want to go, but later he said I stopped him from going. I did not ONCE tell him to skip classes to talk to me!
In July 2017, he came to visit, and save for one major fight, we got along very well. He was ok with not being very sexually active, but later held this against me. He unofficially proposed to me while here.
September 2017, he went out for the day with one of his friends. The next day, he told me that he was talking with a girl he met. He said they exchanged numbers, and I asked if he said he couldn't date her. He said "I can, actually. I just choose not to." This got ugly fast and he blocked me after threatening to cancel my upcoming trip to visit him. (He bought the ticket since I couldn't afford such a big purchase) He called the airline and was told he'd only get a voucher, so he hung up. He said I could keep the ticket and apologized.
Christmas 2017, I flew to visit him in the UK. He officially proposed to me, but said maybe we should call it off after my dad showed concerns. He hates Christmas, so leading up to Christmas day, he was constantly mad about the actions of his parents. Usually, these actions were his parents trying to encourage him to get into the festive spirit and enjoy himself. He considered this controlling and regularly released his anger on me when nobody was around. We had another huge fight when I refused to use my emergency credit card to buy groceries, saying I had plenty of change I could use until I got another deposit of money. He was foaming at the mouth while he yelled at me.
Between this trip and my next one in August 2018, he slowly built up minor control. I got accepted to college and during this time, he seemed genuinely excited for me. We did have semi frequent fights though. Usually these fights were over me not replying to his messages fast enough. He'd usually accuse me of talking to other men despite slowly isolating me from other online spaces.
The August 2018 trip was mostly ok other than a few minor issues. However, after I returned home things went downhill fast.
I started college in September and on my first day, he picked a fight with me. I messaged him at 9 am, saying good morning. He said "Why aren't you at college?" I told him that my class didn't even START until 11 or whatever, giving me an hour until I had to leave. He said he was just looking out for me and giving me advice, but he didn't accept me saying I knew I didn't have to leave. He refused to Skype with me for almost a week as punishment.
Shortly after, I revealed to him that I bought a 3DS with the little extra money I had that month. He again refused to Skype me and fake broke up with me to punish me. He also said I needed to get pictures of my mom's underwear so he could jack off to the pictures and humiliate me. This started a regular thing where he'd comment on how sexy he found my mom. It's also worth noting that around this time, he began to limit how often I was allowed to say I loved him.
I found out I was going to be starting a part time job, and when I told him, he was not happy for me. He said I needed to focus on college and that my family must be trying to make me drop out. I didn't say anything else about the job until the few days before I was supposed to start. He pretended to be happy for me but purposely tried to keep me awake the night before. I told him I needed to have a bath, but he refused to let me go and do so. My mom heard us fighting over Skype and came in to tell me I should go to bed. He hung up and messaged me to say my mom was out of line.
He didn't like me having a job since it meant less time for me to be available for him, but he did like that I sent him groceries at least once a pay cycle. He'd say he had nothing to eat for two weeks, and I'd send him a grocery order out of guilt. It eventually reached the point that I was spending the majority of my income on feeding him. I could barely pay my phone bill and got regular final notice emails. I could forget about spending any money on my hobbies; they just weren't a priority anymore. If I had him, I didn't need anything else, amirite?
The semester finished and I managed to pass all but one class. Semester two began and it brought an ocean of problems. (January 2019) The workload picked up, and any time I wasn't in college or at work, I was expected to be available if he wanted to talk. If I didn't let him know when I was done college, he assumed I was cheating. We got into one nasty fight because I was going to my grandparents for dinner and I didn't tell him I arrived late. He told me I better pull my panties up and stop cheating. (Keep in mind that I HATE sex and pretty well anything to do with it.) Out of fear of him accusing me of cheating again, I quickly distanced myself from my classmates. Nobody really wanted to be my friend anyways, so it didn't matter. He'd tell me it was because I had poor social skills and that his nephew had better.
I failed second semester completely. Did not pass a single class. I never had time or energy to do homework; by the time he'd fall asleep, I was exhausted. I stopped all of my hobbies, except for playing Animal Crossing if I could.
May 2019, I visited him for the last time. We fought at least once every two days, usually over sex or money. A couple days into the visit, he got angry with me for fidgeting too much in my sleep. He spent the morning yelling at me and then apologized. He took me out for coffee to try to “repair our bond”
A few days later, I went to bed at around 2 in the morning. He was still awake so he continued to watch TV for another few minutes. He eventually came to bed and started touching me while I was trying to sleep. He felt me up under my clothes and tried to have sex with me, despite me trying to sleep. I asked him to please stop and told him I wanted to sleep. He said no and continued to touch me, also starting to remove my clothes. I started to cry and pleaded with him to stop. He got angry with me and told me to go into the bathroom. I got up and sat on the floor in his bathroom for probably 20 minutes until he grabbed me and pushed me to his bed.
Once he got me to the bed, he said he was going to give me something to cry about. He pushed me down and pulled my bottoms off. He forced himself inside me and thrusted as hard as he could. I asked him to please stop but he continued even harder. He continued for around 15 to 20 minutes as I cried, frozen. He suddenly stopped and apologized. I stayed unable to move until I coaxed myself into pulling my pants up. He said he would never do it again and I just lay there, still frozen. I did not sleep well that night.
On another occasion, we got into an argument. After yelling at me and telling me I was nothing but an arrogant brat, he placed his hands on my neck. He pressed down and choked me for a minute. Not long enough for me to lose consciousness, but long enough to let me know who was in charge. I knew then he could kill me if he wanted to. That was the longest minute of my life.
We broke up soon after, but I'm gonna tell that story in another blog post. I need to make some lunch and get ready for work.
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