i miss my old fg

bro ts not even funny i MISS MY OLD FRIENDS so much but since I was lowkey a bitch back when our friendship was thriving I don't think they fw me anymore... esp my main fg.. like I've tried apologizing before but they either say its ok, we joke about it, or i back out and just simply ask if I've changed at all (to which they say no and then i slit my wrists) but either way, i wish i could have our fg back and like start new, where I'm actually a good friend and allat.. but like, i gen don't know how to like actually apologize FR without me feeling like they think I'm trying to guilt trip or manipulate them (I'm scared of sounding like my mom leave me alone) cus they still gen mean a lot to me and i think about our friendship like ALL OF THE TIME and it makes me want to hang myself ngl cus like why was i like that?? I don't want my friends to just say "its ok" and we move on because I know the way i acted wasn't ok at all. yet i don't want them to hate me for it. Have u guys every read/watched a silent voice or read the summer you were there?? i lowk feel like shoya and shizuku I'm ngl cus I was a bad person to my friends and i feel guilty and want to kms for it and i think about it a lot and allat but im still not gonna lie!!! I MISS MY FRIENDS. I know i wasnt a good friend but they still mean so much to me despite us barely talking anymore and i know i was bad and you wont forgive me and ive done horrible things and said even worse things but but but but but UHGUBUSBE save this for the suicide note bruh. sorry this is cringey now lowkey but like hey guys i miss you im sorry