graduated!

i graduated high school! and oh my god the amount of times i was about ready to just drop out. i mean, i still felt many times that i couldnt take this shit anymore and did NOTT wanna keep going to school the rest of the week but hey. i made it. somehow. and with cum laude, i dont know how the fuck that happened because i tried to finally relax and not take schoolwork as seriously this year since i always saw kids who werent losing sleep over this shit and somehow were passing.

i act like i was fighting wars at school. i wasnt. i was just extremely exhausted, especially with the anxiety and the stuff where every minor inconvenience sends me into a downward spiral. i know i gotta get my shit together, just not quite sure how to actually push myself in that direction. ive tried, but i guess not hard enough because i keep fucking up.

but yeah i just wanted to say that 14 yrs of school has finally come to an end for me.

what's the next step is what im not quite sure about. my mom supposedly hired me for her side etsy business thing so that i can like draw designs or smth for her to put on shirts and whatnot to sell. even though im mediocre at best. dont know if its like she legit hired me or just something she said, but i gotta actually take this seriously for once bro she told me so many months ago to make like a design where its a hand with a ring on it, so some marriage type design. i kept saying stuff like "im gonna do it" but i never did. its not like i dont want to, i just kept forgetting and not really thinking about it. i have other options too, but i havent applied to anything. but i gotta lift my weight, because i already feel bad every time i sit here at my computer since graduation day, not doing shit. i told myself id do a chore today like vacuuming the house, but instead i spent the day ruminating. i cant keep doing that. but i will vacuum the house soon. maybe tomorrow.

i chose not to go to college mainly because im tired of school. spent many years stressing and staying up late doing work because i was obsessed with making sure it was perfect, on time, and correct. but i was siiiiiiick of it. all it was doing was making me miserable. but even as i started relaxing this year, which did admittedly give me way more free time, im still feeling off most days and upset about how badly it could affect my grades (which wasnt much). im good, im not numb, but im still really pessimistic.

but heeeeey schools done for me now! now im just wondering what the rest of my life is going to look like. i dont feel like im ready, but i dont think anyone does since graduation is almost like a whiplash. you were in school, and now you're not anymore. you're in the world now. let's see how you handle it.

a lot of kids at my school are going to colleges and university, so theyve got good foundations. at least i think.

wish me luck?