blog entry 02 : 04/06/2024

overview:

the most fucking embarrassing thing happened to me today, probably the most embarrassing for this whole year. I was at tutions and just talking to my acquaintance about jobs and stuff when the topic of male gynecologists rose. I joked that I don't believe male gynecologists actually want to be gynecologists so women can have a safe sex health but rather to 'enjoy the view'. And I didn't fucking realize the entire class was listening to me, including my tutor. no one said anything but my tutor basically moved my seats from my acquaintance. That was embarrassing. Fortunately and unfortunately I lack a little shame and forget most things. So I hope I'll forget this event within a week.

things I'm proud that I did today:

♡ read 30 pages of pride and prejudice and understood what I read : wrote an essay : played 2 episode of the phantom of the opera instead of doom scrolling : ate less than 4 chocolates : tried reaching out to my first ever online acquaintance

things I'm not proud that I did today:

♡ woke up a little late : fapped : did less than 5 online interactions : embarrassed myself Infront my entire class : consumed negative media too much

plans for tomorrow:

♡ read 30 pages of pride and prejudice : watch a movie : play 1 episode of phantom of the opera : try talking to more than 5 people online : eat less than 3 chocolates : no fapping : do maths

rant / vent: 

♡ no rant for today!!! (⁠๑⁠╹⁠◡⁠╹⁠๑⁠)

♡ I have this terrible hollowness in my heart that I have been carrying for ages , and it feels heavier each day. I ENJOY MY SOLITUDE Truly but it has a limit , humans are social and I'm no less than a human. This loneliness suddenly weighed me down the entire day to the point I cried. I miss being a close one to someone. I don't wanna be someone's first choice , that's an unrealistic expectation. Just being in top 5 is enough. I have so much love to give but no one will reciprocate it. After being mistreated in a friendship I have held my standards for companionship higher , I will not lower it by any means but these days I barely have anyone to go to. Probably that's why I made an blog to let out my thoughts because no one wants to listen to my thoughts or vents without using them against me in the future. I only pray to god that he sends me an angel. 

if you cared enough to read this far thank yew, you're very awesome and we should definitely talk (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠) !!!