( ˘ ³˘(◡‿◡˶)The art of reflection and finding hope within a stormy sea ♪𝄞༘⋆

Hey Skeevies. Serious one today i fear. 

No matter how much someone might deny it - myself included -, they don’t like complete isolation from what they are fond of. In a completely new place, living a new life, you’ll fall back into old habits to grasp as some sense of familiarity. This is only strengthened by regret. Instead of moving on, we seek a situation EXACTLY like the past one, but we will try to make it work in the ways the past tries didnt.

but it won’t be the same. It will never be the same. Never have regrets, skeevies. Especially with love, don’t be embarassed if the person you like is being called chopped by your friends, don’t ever make them feel like you don’t love them as much as you do. Because one way or another, they’ll go one day. And if you acted out of pride and didn’t express all the affection you secretly longed to give them, it will haunt you. It will haunt you forever.

tell them you love them. at least tell them you care if you’re scared or unsure of your feelings. Feeling love is scary sometimes. But i’d kill to feel that scariness again. I’d chew off my right hand to feel the horror of true love rather than the distant hum of regret echoing in the null of the present.

i’m gonna come clean. After a few days of thinking — and a shit load of listening to “pushing it down and praying”— i realised that i was faking all attraction i had to duck [my bsf who i had a weird talking stage with that eventually failed because of my BPD]. He was purely a rebound. And after a recent argument, it’s now clear how he sees me. To avoid confusion, I am going to answer possible questions in the next segment:

୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ 

୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ 

Q: does he know he was a replacement for the lover you still yearn for [coffee] ?

A: No, i don’t want him to know. Duck might be mean and shaped me for the meaner, but he is still my best friend nonetheless.

Q: Will you ever get over coffee ?

A: it’s a process. I hope with the whole of me good things are coming my way, but if not, the future is looking pretty grim. But i will always always always spread the love i yearn for just to prove it is out there.

Q: So were you faking all of the feelings towards duck ?

A: I don’t know. I think the reason I got upset all those times he thought other girls were prettier is because i saw coffee in him, and it hurt much much worse.

Q: So you used him ?

A: God no. I told him i was confused about my feelings, and he was still my best friend for the longest time.

Q: What does this mean for future huzz ?

A: it means i have a high standard. They not only have to excel above someone who was exactly my type, but they have to surpass the importance the archetype coffee fills. 

Q: What archetype does coffee fill ?

A: a prince charming. I tend to forget all the bad things he did. I focus on the good things because he also resembles my old life. And how i wish so, so, so badly to go back.

୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ ୨୧ ⏔⏔⏔⏔♡⏔⏔⏔⏔ ୨୧ 

—-

if you have any other questions, put them in the comments and i’ll respond as well as i can !!!! i promise !!!

Back to the point, as of recently, i’ve been struggling with trying to find the motivation to continue when i miss my old life so much. But i’ve been trying to do things to find myself again. And to make myself happier. To try and bring hope into my eyes when i foresee myself spiralling down an insanely slippery spiral.

With all these bad things constantly happening to me, i’ve found a sense of comfort in missing coffee. Because that’s the one thing that has always been there. The only stagnant thing in my life no matter the ups and downs. But to let go i have to say goodbye to that. And it’s hard. But i’ll try.

It’ll be uncomfortable. Like leaving your childhood home or graduating from school, melancholy and scared of the uncertainty ahead. I just want to be loved more than anything. And it’s scary knowing the only thing i can do is hope and wait when i just want to give up.

Tell your coffee you love them, or at least that you care. Fucking hug them for i never hugged the one person i yearn for more than I can choke on my breath.

Maybe it’ll be ok, ok ? So don’t worry. I love you.

As always, lots and lots and lots of love, Skeever