Sick Trick

male rage i didn't realize how deeply you hated me. you hate everything about me. i can hear it when you speak. you smile in your mouth it leaves too soon disgust on your face before you look away completely desire disgusts me disgust interests me above all else you hate me bc im a girl and youre not and you think god wasted it on me. 

that's so sad.

all ive done is pour into you and you punish me for leaving you once your cruelty becomes too much. not wanting to be around you and not loving you are two separate things. test people all you want it does not matter who you are people will leave you. you do not love. you love like toxic sludge your hate gets stuck in  my jean cuff and slows my pace. your love is heavy, entitled, conditional, and sadistic. what could i have possibly done to you to deserve this. you know how much i love you and all you seem to know how to do is hurt me or try to convince me to hurt myself. 

im sorry to say that im glad Celia isn't around to see you like this. 

i may have been a catalyst but you are the cause.

if only you had the humility to heal

instead you hide in shame see yourself in other people and want to destroy it. 

you see a light in others you used to find in yourself and you cant understand how life hasn't been it out of them like it has you. you play god. you pass righteous judgement and do whatever it takes to squash it down. 

how many unforgivable things have you done to me and time and time again i treat your hostility with patience and love. i ignore your bad behavior and i worship you hoping that in time you'll trust my love and learn to accept it. its been three years and you almost did it. its like you cant be done with me until you destroy every ounce of hope i have left. any trust i have in humanity you want it gone. any joy or curiosity or sense of wonder. playfulness openness.

is that why you publicly praise the fish bitch so much? bc she loves to hurt herself for you? i hate to break it to you but inpatient is for @tt3ntion wh0435 and i say that with love i dont think needing attention should be shameful we live in a society and we have needs. our emotions are tools for connection if we learn how to recognize them as they come and honor what they have to tell us.

i dont know why were so competitive about our pain like we have something to prove to each other. everybody wants to have it worse than the next person to inflate a false honor in being able to persevere despite of the gravity of their pain. as if success is only noble if it hurts. 

when you have nothing else to root your self esteem in you put it in simply living. so, you create a narrative that you feel things more intensely than everyone else. that's what justifies your position in life and how you treat people. they dont get it because they dont get the pain im in they dont feel the same range of emotion as me. i feel it deeper so i must be better than them. i cant handle my strong emotions so i think theyre deeper than everyone else around me. i have poor emotional regulation so i show my pain and act out instead of managing it and self soothing. i take pride in my pain because that's the only thing i can take pride in.

take pride in something else dickweed. channel your obsession into something more meaningful than taking me down. your poetry is beautiful. so is your drive and your vision. you embody what it means to be a drummer. steady stable force that drives the song forward. may fade into the background but it always there influencing the pacing of the song. schizo moments. steady repetative droning gets too monotonous you hold the tension in your body until you cant any more 

im a little teapot short and stout here is my handle here is my spout when i get all steamed up hear me shout tip me over and pour me out

i wish you would tell me when ive done something to hurt you. i feel like we go about life in such polar opposite ways that our behavior tends to read differently than intended. i am not calculating i am open honest and direct. i try to walk towards my fears and confront them as they come as soon as they come. i act on instinct and immediate emotion. i cant always explain why i feel some way but im not afraid to make mistakes on the way towards figuring it out. each action you take is a step towards the solution you seek. 

like today i told you that this feels like the finale. 

(because it is) 

did my comment upset you because it ruined the pacing of your story? 

did i ruin the suspense? i know you planned that one song the one that says how vile and cheap i am but the landing didnt hit as hard because the timing was off. your anger dissipated and you were going through the motions because you had to complete your mission.

you lost sight lost direction your rhythm faltered because i didnt behave how you expected. i saw my laces were gone the moment you took them. i thought you took them because you needed them. i didnt care. i remembered when we first got together and my laces would go missing then too. i didnt think you acted out of malice. i genuinely thought wow he has a thing for laces. i wonder if he just really likes them, like to switch out the color, or he compulsively takes them. 

the difference between you and me is i meet peoples behavior with curiosity and you with suspicion. you are triggered by every single thing anyone can do and you think every action they take is to hurt you or to betray you in some way. 

simple acts thoughtless acts seemingly trivial acts become hostile under your gaze. every action suddenly is calculated planned and a part of a larger plot. every sentence has hidden meaning or double meaning or is riddled in some way to not mean exactly what it says. 

i know i like to speak in tongues i like my messages to confuse you sometimes because im scared to say it or i feel like playing i want to stay on your mind for a little while longer as you work to untangle all the knots. but i want you to get what i am saying and i will pause game to make sure you understand. 

i wish you understood me as a player, my fighting style, my natural disposition, instead of assuming everybody thinks the same and acts the same as you do. 

you expect betrayal in everyone because you betray everyone despite of any warm feelings you have in the person. 

at this point in my life you are my longest friend, my best friend. you are genuinely the best friend i have ever had. i love you and i love your flaws. everyone has them and im glad those are the ones you have. despite how entitled and annoying i think you are i think your fight is noble and i understand how you got to where you are. i much prefer your flaws than literally everyone else's. everyone annoys me and no one gets it. no one gets nuance and moral ambiguity. no one is willing to admit how much fun it can be to hurt people. games of war are really fun. i think we deny a part of our ancestry when we pretend otherwise. the instinct to hunt to stalk to plan the attack and the satisfaction we get when it goes exactly how we fantasized is primal. i feel like we were more attuned to it as kids bc we didnt know enough about the world around us to carry the shame adults tend to carry. as kids we're better attuned to what feels good. and were more inclined to be confident in our version of reality when some other kid at the playground challenges it. 

i wish you recognized me as someone in the playground you like to play with instead of someone at the playground you secretly plot to destroy. i love games of war and i appreciate the art of a skillful deconstruction but i dont like playing when i dont feel secure in underlying feelings of love and respect. you take it too far with no regard for my feelings or well being. in sports you may be allowed to beat the shit out of each other but you take a knee when youre opponent is genuinely injured. you dont understand the difference between a bloody nose and a scraped knee and you dont understand the difference between a scraped knee and a couple of bruises and a protruding femur. organized sport gives you an area and guidelines so you can still let out aggression without taking it too far. 

i want to take my aggression out too. the release feels good. and people want to receive it. i want to unleash pain and destruction and there are people who willingly and actively receive it. you see consent to abuse as someones willingness to show up for you again after youve hurt them. here is where youre contradictory: 

you hurt people bc you expect them to leave, 

people recognize this as a defense mechanism, they give you time and grace hoping if they meet your hostility with love, with time, you'll stop feeling like you need to attack for survival and engage with love and loyalty and trust. they see your potential and they wait out your abuse as long as they can hoping they'll be the one to give you the love that you desperately need. 

they dont understand that what once was a coping mechanism that came uncontrollably for survival has evolved into something enjoyable and under your illusion of control (prob compulsory). your self esteem is here. over the years the release of pressure tension and rage just felt so good. the ability to cater to your wants and needs regardless of the consequence feels so good. sometimes you really want to scream at someone and tell them everything that's wrong with them. honestly i wish more people would honor that so i could become more aligned with myself and the person i want to be. i evolve under pressure so i create it. you dont see your attacks are symbiotic. youre teaching me as much about myself and my own impulses as you are releasing your own.

there also a perverse joy in doing something you know youre not supposed to do knowing how good it feels when you do it and doing it anyway. its freeing. the shame cant touch you here. there is only god and superiority you walk on air. you become god

anyways i get more than you think we just have different styles is all. i admire yours. i feel like i have a lot to learn from your fighting style. i wish you felt the same about mine. and i wish you would stop being so mean to me. there are other ways to feel the same things if youre creative enough. i know you think it makes it less intense if you talk about it but you'd be surprised. talking is horny and we build. we bounce ideas off of each other and war becomes a collaborative craft based on consent and boundaries instead of an isolating cycle of abuse that is ultimately unsatisfying for both parties 

(UNMET NEEDS & ISOLATION = NO LOVE)

no one can meet your needs if you dont communicate them

i feel like im constantly racking up mini betrayals or major in your mind and i dont even realize

how can i apologize for something i dont even realize i did

idk not that im not a shithead but i feel like its just as freeing to speak openly like dont you want to yell at me and tell me what a shithead i am? like why do you constantly disappear say nothing and leave me with little sense of what i did wrong or how it made you feel. you think your silence and distance will make me understand pain with time and space ill think about what ive done and atone. babe. you know how easy i am to gaslight. my memory is shit and im cool with most versions of reality. you know im not going to sit here in your absence and all of a sudden remember what it is i may have done.

anyways it is a cruel summer and if you dont come tomorrow that was really fucking shitty of you and i dont think i want to play with you for a while until you learn your manners

and better sportsmanship.

Love Always.

//

ps i didnt proofread this and i do not attach to my thoughts any thing i say is open for conversation or debate and subject to change

 you have to shit before it can stick 

Socrates said that

dont be afraid to shit and dont be afraid to smear my shit

k thats all

 i hope to see you soon 

(this is in response to ruby demolition)