Hi, it's me, Robbie, and I'm taking a moment to vent with you today, sorry if i went really active this whole time...

〈O﹏O'〉

TW: bad language

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It's no secret that I'm a very difficult, horrible, rude, selfish person, and I always think I can do whatever I want, but I can't. I'm sick of myself. I always want a lot of responsibility, I always want a big title, but you know what? I can't even handle the responsibility that comes with it.

I can't even handle the responsibility of my college degree, and you know what the worst part is? Things usually turn out well for me when I'm on the edge. They're not perfect, of course, but I always end up getting through it by luck or by grace. Fucking hell, it makes me so angry to know what I can do and what I could actually achieve if I were just a little more fucking responsible.

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I'm an absurdly intelligent person. I know what I have to say, how I have to say it, when I have to say it, but I'm so weak, not because I'm actually weak, but because I'm incapable of organizing myself, and I always end up feeling confident thinking I can do things when I CAN'T.

It's always the same stupid, shitty thought, "I have seven days to study? Nah, I can get that even if I read it just twice before the exam." AND OF COURSE I CAN'T DO IT.

I've always felt like a parasite lives in my head and controls the things I think and believe, because my reasoning separates from my intellect so often, and I feel, do, and say things I don't want to do. For example, I don't forgive someone when they've done something wrong to me, even though in my head I'm thinking, "Why am I doing this? It wasn't that bad."

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 Hahaha, and you want to know the funniest part? That same stupid parasite put it in my head that I would even become the damn president of the United States, AND I STILL BELIEVE IT. I don't know, I can't even separate reality from fiction anymore. I'm so scared of my own head, and of living all the time believing in a lie that grew from a mental parasite that originated from who knows where.

I'm afraid of continuing with this irresponsibility all the time, believing that I can do things, and I end up doing everything at the last minute without eating or sleeping, just surviving. And it makes me angry to see how, even doing things at the last minute, I can get results that are above average. Can you imagine what it would be like if I were responsible?

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I don't even know if I'm taking the career I like anymore, I don't know if it's really my thing or what I'm passionate about, I want to be able to take some time and sleep, since I've been sleeping badly since mid-May, I sleep 3 or 6 hours with continuous horrible nightmares that make me wake up distressed.

All this because I had to take an exam in a difficult subject today, and I was so irresponsible not to study that I simply postponed the exam. The thing is, I already had a postponed exam in that subject, so I had to make up a medical excuse, and I got a lot of people involved who are now committed to following my lie.

All because I wasn't responsible.

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My mom hates me right now, my brother doesn't even want to talk to me, and my dad won't look at me. I'm writing this extremely tired when I should be studying for that exam I postponed. What a pain, right?

I'm glad he's suffering so much, but that doesn't faze the parasite at all. I wish it could die with that. Maybe, if I destroy and self-sabotage enough, this parasite will detach itself from my head, and I can be free again.

Maybe it's all in my head, and I don't really have any parasites or anything, it's just me being psychotic trying to find a fucking justification to not admit the truth...

 "I'm irresponsibleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

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