It doesn't go away

The feeling I've always been left with, they said it'd go away and I'd get over it then I didn't, I continued to feel this way. There were fleeting moments were I didn't feel it but it always comes back. It maybe genetic or maybe it's just me. Is there something wrong with me. How can someone hate themselves so much but also love the feeling. I hate this feeling but it always leaves me with this high, like happiness. 

I feel so good after the pain. It's like a roller coaster but even after I feel good I'm left with these thoughts. These bad thoughts. I don't want them, I want them to go away. But idk how I'd function without them. I'm so used to it, the feeling and the thoughts. 

Do I even wanna get better?