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The guy I talked about, the one I met, and dated for a year broke up with me. ^^
It’s strange. I’ve dated other people before, but this is the first time a breakup has made me feel this sad. Like something important was yanked out of me.
I also recently, got diagnosed with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).
I kind of saw it coming, given the environment I grew up in. It’s not shocking just expected, and it kind of explain how i behave ig,,,
Anyway I’m 18 now！！！. At least my mother can’t hurt me anymore.
Sometimes she gets permission to leave jail, and we meet.
She always looks at me like something in her genuinely regrets what happened. But it leaves me conflicted.
Even if I think she deserves what she’s going through, I still feel something heavy and tangled when I see her.
not pity but more like… a disgust at the way she still makes me feel worried and a uneasy.
When I used to feel like this, I’d run to my boyfriend.
he’d calm me down, distract me and me feel like things weren’t as bad as they looked
But now he’s gone too. And the worst part?
After he left, I realized I was never someone he expected to build a future with.
For him I was only something temporary. A fun chapter. A “good memory.”
I wish he had told me from the start instead of making me believe nonsense
I would’ve been more careful with myself.
He was selfish.
I want to hate him, but i feel I don't have the right too.
Comments
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Evo
sorry all that happened :(
those conflicting feelings of still loving and caring a lot about someone who hurt you has gotta be one of the worse feelings. my mom hurt me a lot, but i also couldn't help but still love her, and things have worked out but at the time it was so gut wrenching to feel. it's hard to put into words, but i'm sure i don't need to explain it to you.
also congrats (or not congrats? ^^') on the diagnosis!
I'm not sure how you feel about this diagnosis. Some people feel relief because they can put a label to what they've been experiencing for so long and better find a community of similar people with similar experiences, but sometimes a diagnosis can be a punch to the gut. Sometimes it feels like both, especially considering your diagnosis is one that has a lot of stigma.
people on the internet have this idea that NPD makes you an inherently bad person, so i just want to tell you (if you didn't know already) that that's bullshit. No disorder of any kind makes you an inherently bad or good person. It's just a way to categorize behaviors and traits. You have enough free will to be whatever kind of person you'd like.
I'll admit, I don't know much about NPD because most of the resources to learn about NPD are from an outsider perspective and seem committed to demonizing the person with NPD, and I don't buy into that bull shit. It'd be cool if you talked more about your experiences and life with NPD since that perspective isn't often shared, but no pressure. you do you!
hope good things come your way soon <3
thank you evo T.T you’re always so kind. sorry I see your comment just know, I was having a family trip w my dad and siblings. tbh for me my diagnosis didn’t really change anything in my life, aside from the fact that now i take therapy, but yeah the stigma of it its annoying and now that i’m more conscious of how i can behave sometimes makes me a bit frustrated,,, and feel free to ask anything u want i dont mind!
by Ran; ; Report
don't worry about replying late lol. im terrible at getting back to people in a reasonable time frame so i can't judge. besdies, we're all busy living life! (i hope u had a good family trip)
i also hope therapy goes well for you! finding a good therapist can be difficult so i hope you get lucky and get a good one right off the bat.
i don't have any specific questions in mind about npd at the moment, but if i think of anything ill be sure to ask :)
by Evo; ; Report