I just gotta let it out

Okay so I just gotta let it out somehow. I'd say this is a "private" diary where I'm just writing to myself since one of my really close and best friends told me that she highly recommend me to do this so I will but as a blog post. 

These days I just wish I hadn't have smart phone or any phone that is smart and wish I wasn't know discord and those shit places like facebook, instagram and tiktok. I just feel lost, lonley, cold and dead. I feel like I'm literally dead inside it's not just a feeling I can feel that I'm literally dead I couldn't jump into a relationship or even a new friendship right now because what I need now is time I guess, they say eveverything's get better by the time but I don't think so. I feel like everyone's just ignore me and I'm just burden for everyone for every single online friends of mine even if they say no I'm not and stfu I know I am so don't worry. It's not my intention I'm trying to just be there and listen and keep chatting to keep alive the friendship online which is just damn hard! I also feel like I will lose half of them because of this even if they say I won't I feel something else and I've predicted so many things and I'm always right! I couldn't prepare for this like one day my friendships will get over I don't want it to get over like never, but I don't wanna hold back people like that either like a maniac. I just feel like they don't like me and by ignoring me and not texting me at all for months well that's obvious for me... Elon Musk runs Tesla, owns X and has more than $5,000,000,000,00 but still has time to reach out to people on X and reply/answer so it's kinda ridiculous for me when they say sry I was busy, sry I was studying FOR A WHOLE FUCKIN MONTH? Come on I don't believe that shit just pls don't think I'm an idiot or dumb ass!!! I also feel like everyone has other friends too which is totally fine and then some friends are just get in the back sometimes a little bit too much like but I can't do shit with this. I don't wanna add or start any new friendship because I have to disappoint all the fucking time and it's being boring now!! Also I know it's hard to listen to my shit yapping and bitching about life and my family so, sorry about that if I'm a lil' bit too much but as you've read above I have literally no one to talk to and I don't wanna bother my online friends all the time to get online just because of me.... I think they have better things to do than to listen to me :C I'm not afraid of being alone or living alone or to die alone because I'm cool with that I just thought I'll have something in life by now. That wasn't in the plan. My life is so fucked up. I also don't let anyone close to me I have literally one friend that I can say that she's close to me but what are the odds that we will meet one day right? I would love to but it won't just be up to me it needs both want... and I'm not that type of guy who's force everything! I just wish I wasn't discover spacehey or any social media I wish i still have flip phone and I wouldn't have accounts on facebook, insta, tiktok and X or any of these I actually don't have only FB, insta and tiktok but only for a fan page lol but yeah I don't feel close to any of my online friend they all are so idk weird like I just don't feel close I don't know everything about them especially about the new ones but as the time flies I hope it will change (I doubt it). I'm just being real and not try to chase anything in life except my dreams!! I literally try my best all day everyday and I still feel like I wanna off myself like what's the point of I live? Who cares about me like really? I guess no one. They just say oh no no no I do! Big ass lie why would anyone care about me? Being my online friend is not a reason. And that's okay just don't lie that you care about me. If I'd die or disappear literally no one would notice it. Also the death is chasing me for a while but I always win I feel like god has a plan with me but I dunno what yet. I'm just trying to say facts and these all are facts! I just don't wanna waste my time on ppl and other's time knowing we will end up "breaking up" it's silly to say breakup bc it's not a fucking relationship but you get me... I've ended every single irl friendship I mean not me them... they ended. And so since then not much changed I'm just being more depressed and loneley. No one asks me like hey you wanna go play basketball or ride your bike or go for a walk with me...? I just miss irl chats and contact. Real human contact. Honest, real reactions. Laugh, smile, cry and yell (I get enough from my family so I don't miss this at all) but being upset or angry? YES! I just don't know where I belong I don't know what the hell I want from life. They only text me or looking for my company if they need something usually help and I usually deny all of them or just say I'll see what I can do. They need my time, knowledge and company. What's with the other 364 days? I'm not existing? So if they ignored me just pls keep doing it y'all are good. But if you want it for real I need your time, care, attention and everything you've got in return I will give the same I promise that's how I work but I feel like I'm asking too much!! Obviously a friendship isn't serious or it shouldn't be but some ppl like me make it serious like a relationship while no it's not! I handle friendships the same with girls and boys so don't feel that way if you're a girl....I'm investing too much time and effort into friendships but well look at that this is who I am. You know what makes me happy? If I can help!! Yes it makes me happy it's good to do good things to people it doesn't matter if they homeless or kids with disorder both are breaking my heart and I wann help as soon and as much as I can! And I'd fight for my close friends since they my only hope and I count on them and I care about them really! But I feel like I don't get the same for some reason. I don't know why what I've done wrong? Am I the problem at all if not why? Then why? Why are friends what the hell they want from me if they turning away and ignoring me...?!!!!!