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tw for self harm and suicidal thoughts
i've been thinking abt the last one recently, in 147 days i will be one year clean from self harm, and sometimes i feel like a poser saying that, because it was never in the traditional way you see, it was always a bit different. more degrading, i guess? it did get physical though, so i have that.
i won't say how things got bad, as thats personal, but it came out a left field, complete surprise, as i thought i was healing, and it was weird? it was worse than usual, the low lasted longer than normal, and i had this empty aching feeling constantly, and i think abt then a lot.
its weird thinking how something similar could always happen, but to be honest? i'd never react the same. i hope at least, because my mentality has shifted, i think differently now, experience is a great teacher. im more hopeful, more positive, and more accepting that sometimes things go wrong, sometimes its my fault, and sometimes its not, but i know that i am not worthless, that i am not pathetic and i know that things wouldn't be better if i was dead. and it took a long time to learn that, im still learning that sometimes, and thats ok
i know there is nothing in this world i cannot handle, and i know i am strong enough to face anything.
the world can seem so big and scary, especially now, but the world is not doomed, you are not doomed, nothing is doomed. i don't believe in "doomed," nothing in this world can't be helped, nothing or no one can never be helped or become better.
i just wanted to ramble abt something positive, healing is a process, it doesn't happen at once, it can take 218 days, it can take years, decades even. thats ok. you don't need to be ok immediately, take your time, let yourself mess uo and make mistakes, you are allowed to do that, you're human.
please love yourself
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