Finches and mocking jays

Hi, my name isn't important but I felt like I had to write out what I'm going through for people to find one day or perhaps even today if your interested in why I'm not exactly well normal. Well I was a small child I saw the world in a scarier shade than hoped for, everything scares me except for animals. As I explain just please try to understand, I grew up on a cow farm with one cat till I was 11 then getting my first dog, she died, my cat of now exactly 11 years as well has died, I have a new cat but he's like a toddler in a cats body I love him tho. Anyways animals always were easier to speak to for me since I have severe social anxiety and depression although I will NEVER tell anyone about that, I always wanted to be the same as everyone else. 

I'm used to being different or as my old elementary school peers called it, weird, I don't like a lot of words like racial slurs, degrading comments, but above all intellectual bullying. That shit ruined my self esteem so in middle school I shaved the side of my head, wore dark eyeliner, netted gloves, converses, baggy outfits, bulky rings, all of it. I wanted to give them a reason to put down on me, but then I got my first TikTok account. I loved filming and putting together looks just for fun but obviously that was ruined too by pedophiles, perverts, and classmates, OH and my family. I can post wtf I want after you get seven years of ridicule for just existing, never talking, never complaining, then the adults in my family may have an opinion on what I say or do. Plus if they caused it they fix it. By fucking off. I don't have anything for them especially not my sympathy when the most they could listen to was me agreeing and god forbid I have an opinion or believe in different political stances. 

I love my family but I also love privacy like being alone some days because I hate looking weak in front of others because I know I'm weak but I don't want to be a puppet anymore.