growing away from stifling parents/family

i've never been able to put my trauma into words. i write a lot in my journals, both physical and digital, but never with the intentions of sharing for others to read. here's to hoping i can somehow find a community that understands me. please excuse my jumbled headspace.

i've never really had a great relationship with my family. especially my parents. growing up in an extended household, i'd always seen my entire family argue and fight, and some days the tension and hostility would just be unbearable. even my grandparents would go at it every day, to the point where other family would have to come over in the middle of the night to intervene. i was really young, but i saw everything. i'm not sure why i thought i wouldn't be treated the same way as i got older.

i've just returned home from university (i'm done yay) and for some reason i thought my living situation would be any better than when i left. living away from home has made relations with my mother seem tolerable - she's far away, text messages here and there, and financial support for rent. phone calls were a different story, as hearing her voice would trigger me sometimes. but i pretended that everything was okay, because i'd rather have a surface level relationship than put my mental health at further risk of stress. i've put walls up, because every time things feel okay and we start acting "close" again, i'm quickly reminded of why i've stopped trying in the first place. i keep bringing my boundaries down, and letting myself down.

i went to university because it was want my parents wanted (my dad angrily told me he didn't raise a dunce child when i showed feelings of not wanting to go, my mom told me i didn't have a choice). i had my own dreams i wanted to pursue creatively, but they were shut down and "postponed". "you'll always have time to do that, get your degree first". this was just another instance of my own intuition and autonomy being discarded. being alone overseas made my sadness become overwhelming. i failed classes. i made bad decisions. the loneliness and low self esteem took me to dark places. but i would never be able to talk about the root of my issues with my family, as they would be quick to avoid responsibility and try to blame me for everything. i grieve the life i could've had if i was able to choose my own path, but none of the ideas i presented were taken seriously, and a lot of things i wanted were shut down simply because they "said so". i was never given explanations for being shut down.

my mom and i got into another argument last week. the last two years have been really hard and i've been depressed... so it's been a little hard to keep my room as clean as it used to be. it's become my own motivation to clean my room to help myself feel better. it's my safe space, and where i am most of the time (away from my mom). despite numerous attempts at setting boundaries, my mother will always find a "justified" way to invade my room and my privacy under the guise of "helping" and "cleaning". i'm not able to ask for help on my own, or set any type of boundaries since i don't yet have a job and don't help pay the bills. it feels like i'm not worth any sort of respect.

every time i bring my walls down to attempt at a moment of vulnerability with her, she engages with me in such a manipulative and shady way that apparently is unbeknownst to her. she doesn't let me finish my sentences. she only listens to respond, and it's never anything constructive. not once has she ever come to me with softness, compassion nor care. sometimes i even feel jealous of other families... other mother-daughter relationships, and i grieve what i could have had. i even feel bad for asking for a sibling all those years ago, because i see the way that she speaks to my brother and i know what he'll have to go through. when i bring up her tone when speaking to her literal CHILD, i'm similarly met with aggressive and dismissive remarks.

i do hate her, and i wish i didn't. i don't have any kind feelings of affection towards her and sometimes i imagine what my life would be like if she were dead. i find solace in other posts and videos online of people from similar situations... and it pains me to hear them describe my own mother and her negative traits to a T.

she says her childhood was harder than mine. she asks me for exact examples of when and how she has hurt me, although i have unfortunately already suppressed all memories of that. she has clearly stated that she cannot and will not accept or acknowledge any responsibility for any "trauma" that she cannot remember inflicting. she gets offended whenever i mention something that has hurt me. she claims that she loves me and wants to help me, but refuses to even let me finish a sentence when i decide to finally speak about how i feel. it's always a battle with her. she's made it clear that i'm also not allowed to feel displeased with her whilst living under her roof. she's the type of parent that threatens to take the room off your door, and will do small things here and there to make you have a hard/unpleasant time. however... i shouldnt remember that. i should only remember the roof over my head, the food, the education opportunities.. hell even my birthday cake. what's the point of all that if we'll never address the real issues? how long should i be pretending?

i wish i could tell her about the immense weight on my shoulders. i wish i could tell her about all the pain i endured whilst studying overseas. but i don't even trust her enough to open up like that. i don't trust her to listen and understand. despite everything... through it all... not once have i ever said "i need my mom". as an adult now i can see her as a person and not just a parent, and she's not even someone i'd choose to be friends with.

my feelings have always been invalidated. my choices have always been criticized. my actions have always been done in fear of becoming a disappointment. now i feel so stunted when it comes to my own confidence, and i am so desperately trying to get back on my own feet again. i could write so much more about how my family has affected my view of myself, and how it has trickled into the way i interact with others and the way people perceive me... but that'll be for another day.

all of the silent treatment, the name calling, the petty arguments and sly statements, the emotional neglect and abuse... i hate that i cant remember it all clearly to bring it to her attention, but the scars are still here. what may have been the worst day to me might as well have been a regular Thursday for her - bc you're telling me you recall NONE of the moments which could have possibly been traumatic for me? you cared that little? there was a time my mother even found out that i wanted to kill myself, and we never spoke about it. she just called my dad to come speak to me (they're separated and live apart. he's dead now anyway). lol it's not like that made him want to spend more time with me anyway. i must be doing something wrong.

i'm done trying to live up to their expectations, and instead making some of my own. i'm mentally stepping away from these toxic interactions. i'm going to finally start living for me again, at 23 years old. better now than never. the career path that i want literally NEEDS me to be my authentic self... and i never feel like i can be that with my family always looming over me. i know that i'll need to step up and just do whatever i want, but i currently still live in a toxic environment. i'll just need to buckle up and grind.. and do whatever it takes to get out of here.

apologies if these paragraphs could have been ordered better, but it definitely feels better to release some of my thoughts into the world. if i ever do have children (which i may bc ive met the loml already), i've already made a promise to myself to do every and anything within and outside my power to be there for those i've brought into this world - materially, emotionally, mentally, physically, everything. that's the least i can do for the ones that i love in a world like this.