Around 8 years ago, I lost someone very close to me. He was a big part of my life, and it was incredibly difficult for me. I was only 16, and inept at handling stress of that magnitude. After a hospitalization from a suicide attempt, I tried to find myself. I felt so lost in life. I wanted some kind of proof, to myself, that I didn't need anyone. One day spontaneously, I decided to go 'bare camping' by myself. 'Bare Camping', as it were, is going into the woods with only what you can bring on your back, constructing a shelter, and spending some nights outside. Me and my friends used to even hunt our own food as well, in the summertime. Anyhow, I wanted to be alone. Perhaps find some drive within myself. My parents didn't much care if I was gone for an extended period, so I packed what I wanted, and left. 

Massachusetts gets awfully cold in the woods, but I was dressed for the occasion. I loved the outdoors, still do. It felt free. The trees around me, and the sky above me. I walked through these woods, and went farther and farther in. Away from the road in which I had entered. The deeper I got, the safer I felt. I found a nice dry clearing. I immediately hung up my bag on a tree and got to work. Getting out the axe I had borrowed from my dad, I hacked away at a tree. Then another. Pretty soon it had been around 2 hours, and I had a good amount of wood of varying sizes. I made my shelter. I made a lean-to from a tarp, and some sturdy sticks. It was right up against a felled tree, so the tarp kept the world off me, and the tree acted as my final wall. Two holes at the front and back end acted as my entrance. I made a fire, got my things, and explored my area a bit before it went dark. 

It got dark, so I fed the fire healthily, before tucking myself in. I laid my head on my bad, listening to the chatter of the woods. I rested, my hands so sore from the work. I worked myself terribly hard setting it all up, so sleeping wasn't hard. I drifted off. I'm not sure if I dreamt, but I woke up what felt like soon after. I checked my phone. 2 hours had past. 3 am. It was as if I jolted awake, like something woke me. I had energy not common waking up that soon. I noticed something. Everything was quiet. No sounds of bugs in the shrubs distant from me. No branches brushing up against each other in the wind. No fire outside my shelter crackling. Nothing. I heard my own breathing. I heard the tarp rustling when I moved a bit. Other than that, nothing. 'What was this?' I thought to myself. I didn't feel scared, but I did feel disturbed a bit. 

I crawled out of my little tarp tent. My fire was out. It was so quiet. You could hear a pin drop for what felt like miles, and when my phone was off, it was so dark. I got some of the wood I had set aside and put it by the fire, muttering things to myself so that I could perhaps gain comfort from hearing something. I stopped for a moment and sat by my now dead fire. I turned off my phones flashlight, and looked up. The stars. Oh my the stars. The fear and disturbance I had felt meant nothing. It was like millions apon millions of them. I looked up for what felt like forever. Just me under the moon, under all these stars. For the first time since everything, I felt at peace. I had gained something. I could see the beauty of the world regardless of my situation. I fell asleep outside, under the stars. A tick bit me, and I got lyme disease from it. Can't have the rainbow without some rain, huh? Sometimes I think about that night. I try to recreate it but, its impossible. Perhaps I just needed a reminder that beauty can seep even through the smallest of accepting hearts.