Silly Lil' Diary: Am I Unworthy of Love and Why Am I Like This? [Negative]

Dear Silly Lil' Diary,

I fear I am unworthy of love and I don't know how to be worthy of it. Many of the people in my life who are supposed to love me either just don't or distance themselves from me eventually. I've never been able to keep friends, even since I was little. I have a total of two friends, one being my MOM and the other I'm so afraid of losing or coming on too strong towards him, I never quite know what to say.

I'm not blaming anyone. I am the one constant in my life. If everyone around you is the asshole, well then. You know. 

I don't know how to make friends or communicate with other people. I've always felt like some kind of alien. I can't read the room. I can't get the joke. I'm too formal. I try too hard to be funny.  I'm too loose with people. My worth is contingent on what I can do for others. I'm so desperately lonely.

I don't know how to become someone worth keeping in touch with. I feel like I'm not the same mentally as anyone else. 

I went to my little cousin's graduation party today. My family treats me with cold amusement, like I'm a dancing monkey. I can tell how off-putting I am to them, and how off-putting I have always been to them. My cousin is 5 years younger than me, but they have it together. They can talk to people and not make them uncomfortable. It makes me want to crawl inside myself.

Self pity is a weird thing. Maybe its a sign of my own immaturity. 

Every social interaction makes me want to tear my teeth out. 

I want to be loved so bad. 

I want to change myself into something people can love.