social introversions ramble

entry at 5:41 pm on saturday may 31st 2025

sometimes i really hate being a socially anxious introvert. i really do have an innate want and need to connect with people, but when the time arrives i just act like a bird whos been pushed out of the nest for the first time. its even more contradictory for me to be this way and so hesitant when im a communist who preaches and talks about building community. why? why am i this way? i do try to make friends once in a while but i can't even maintain most of my relationships. im known in my family (to me at least) that im a quitter. i quit alot of things if they dont immediately go my way. i quit things im good at. i quit things that i like doing as well. i dont feel much motivation or inertia and momentum to even get out of the house. and thats the other major thing. i still live with my parents. it feels particularly crushing when i could experience being away from my parents for a little bit. when they say you dont pay for your rent living with your parents, but you pay for it with your mental health, they were not lying. i live in such a beautiful yard surrounded by trees and shrubs and fruit trees that feed people and animals alike. i hate suburbia, it genuinely feels soul crushing. i hate living under rules that arent mine, with utensils and tools and hiccups that i cant push past. ideally and practically i know that im capable of moving out and being an independent adult with my adult partner with an adult job, i feel so stuck in the now. the day to day.

\

i feel like i dont live in my own body sometimes, like i just kinda exist in it and i have to suffer the consequences of occupying a human body. i want to be a bird. i want to freely fly.

\

i watch alot of content. i know its not good for me. i know how horrid my attention span has gotten. i watch and consume the fantastical seeming lives of those who are brave enough to share theirs. i live vicariously through those people who actually go outside, talk to people, and succeed at it. i miss my friendships. i miss women.

\

the only person place or thing bringing me back is myself and i am fully aware. ive burned really good bridges with people i wanted to care about, but i did not provide actual consistent friendship in the time of need. it gets really depressing and self pitying when i think about it objectively, but thats for me and my journaling spaces.

\

i dont even know why i try to write or type out my feelings, it feels like it does nothing for my psyche and i dont learn much from it but how annoying listening to my own head is.