[song lyrics] Happy?

(tl;dr - short version and skip ahead - I lost my job, house, band, cars, etc... everything sucked, and I kept getting kicked while I was down... it took a year and 3/4 before I was back on my feet... and I just needed her to stop telling me how great everything was going for her)

I was quasi-homeless at the time... the company I had worked for, StompSoft, was sold out from under me, and the purchasers, the gutted husk of a corporate chop-shop's previous victim, fired everybody the moment the ink dried... with no notice or severance... on Christmas eve of '07... and it just so happened that I didn't have money for next month's rent... or to get either of my broken-down cars fixed... I had been housing my bandmates, so they were scattered to the winds... and my safety net was in the next town over on the couch of a retired vietnam veteran on social security who spared very few opportunities to remind me how much I was inconveniencing him (army dads have a strange way of showing love and encouragement)... after months of being passed up for software jobs because of my lack of transportation, I took a minimum wage job at a coffee shop... I walked miles to work every day in all weather and all seasons... with my work cloths in a backpack, I would scrub the summer stench off of me in the dish sink before clocking in.

After months of saving money to get my car fixed and chipping away at my debts, I took my '87 VW GTi to a shop... and the owner of that shop... decided to steal my car... it would make the perfect gift for his nephew... but he didn't just steal it... he explained to me in gory detail exactly how mechanic's lien fraud works - that he could write whatever number he wanted on an invoice... say $3,000 for a new computer (his exact example)... and then he could file for a mechanic's lien on my title... and after 6 months of not receiving $3,000... he could file for a warrant of forfeiture of property in leu of unpaid debts... and then the car is his... and this process would cost him about $300... and because all of that money would go to "the big, evil government", and "they'd just use it to spy on us more" (his words, not mine)... he'd rather give that money to me if I just signed the title over to him... I wanted to fight this... I wanted to feed that fat fuck his own teeth... but then I remember that I was poor... and I remembered how my previous experiences with the local injustice department had gone... I actually had to sign the title over to my car thief... and I had never felt so defeated in my life.

All of my hopes for getting a good job again and fixing everything that had broken all rested on getting that car fixed, and now they were gone with it... my one weapon against suicidal thoughts had always been to tell myself that as long as I'm alive, I have the power to work towards making things better... but I had been working to that end for nearly 8 months... and what "better" had I finally achieved... now that silver sword had broken too... and now, the person I was in love with was the only source of my suicidal thoughts that I had any hope of changing... her talking about her success was a constant reminder of everything that I had lost... everything that had been taken from me... every time I got off the phone with her... maybe not right away, but sometime before the next day was over... I would feel the pain of losing everything all over again... every sing time... and I explained this to her as best I could... and I begged her to stop... I try to lend her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't a heartless monster... but that she just couldn't hear me over the sounds of her cheering fans and the hum of amplifiers... and she couldn't see what hell I was in from 2,000 miles away unless she could hear me tell her.

The good days, they weren't so bad

In fact they were the best I'd ever had

I wished those sunny days

Would never end

But the storm clouds came from all around

And your sunshine was nowhere to be found

Tell me where did you go to

My fair-weather friend

I lost everything and was in so much pain

And the vultures came to pick from my remains

It's amazing how quickly

They come in your darkest day

Could you be my comfort through that long dark night

Would you hold me close until the return of daylight

But you were feeding those same monsters

That I know I helped you slay

With the cold taste of steel still fresh on my tongue

Feeling itchy like the trigger of a loaded gun

Every day was a struggle

To stop me from killing me

But I pressed on each day just like some kind of curse

And I begged you to please stop making it worse

Because you were on the sidelines

Cheering for the wrong team

You got mad and you chastised me

Does the need for adoration exceed basic human empathy

Could you think of nothing more insulting to accompany my misery

Is my life not as important as it is that I applaud thee

You became an anchor when my sea turned dark and stormy

I needed those words like a self inflicted mass lobotomy

I realized I'd not survive if I didn't rend myself free

And as you tore, I lost the most important part of me