My Testimony (TW)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

Healing at Bethesda, by Carl Heinrich Bloch

TW // Attempted Suicide + Self Harm.

Growing up, I was never a religious person, but my grandmother was. She gave me a children's Bible (New Testament), and although I struggled at reading, I loved the drawings. One illustration stood out to me: a woman touching Jesus’ cloak. For those who don’t know, this story is about having complete faith in Jesus. She was a woman who was suffering from a chronic condition that made her unclean for 12 years. She believed that if she could touch Jesus’ cloak she’d heal. This was my first glimpse into faith, and it quietly stuck with me throughout my spiritual journey.

I knew I had faith, but it wasn't a strong case as I hardly knew anything about the bible, not even about Jesus. While my grandmother was religious, she barely spoke much about the bible. She was battling through cancer, and I believe that she was struggling with her own faith. When I was in 6th grade, I remember 2 kids discussing Christianity. One was a Christian (C), but the other was an Atheist (A). I can't recall the discussion, but C was asking A why he doesn't believe in God. I wanted to join in on the discussion and tell kid A that there was a god but didn't. I thought about it for a moment and agreed with A. I mean... I never received any signs from God himself, so then there's no possible way for him to exist, right? This doubt stayed with me and began to shape my life.

2017 was a horrible year. I was going through an identity crisis. I didn't know if I was a man or woman and kept switching between the two. No one ever sat me down and explained that I am entering into a stage in life where I will be searching to find myself. This point in my life drove kids away, and I had a hard time making friends. I felt so completely alone, and I would share posts on Instagram to vent my thoughts and feelings in hopes someone cared or just listened. My post got so bad that a few teachers would ask my classmates if I was okay but never talked to me or pulled me aside and asked. I never cut myself, but I would use my nails to leave red marks on my wrist. Everything that I did was a cry for help.

One night, I decided I had enough. I remember talking in online chats asking how many melatonin pills I would have to take to kill myself. I got my answer, but no one cared to ask why (These were also children who didn't understand what was happening or what to look out for if someone is going to kill themselves). I attempted to end my life, but I was still so scared of going through it. I was only 12 years old. I didn't want to die; I just wanted someone to notice me. I felt so alone and that no one cared about me. How can a God let me go through this if he so loved me? (Psalm 34:18)

Right before COVID happened (I was in 8th grade), my grandmother passed away. I shut down completely. I locked myself away from everyone and only talked to my online friends. I hardly talked to my family or real life friends. My mental state got worse. I grew tired of the world I was living in, and decided to end my life. I swallowed a whole bottle of pills, and went to bed for the last time. I remember hallucinating during the night, but memories of the whole encounter are blurred. I woke up the next morning and couldn’t feel my legs. I felt so sick. I didn’t tell my family or anyone what happened. Honestly, it was God's miracle I was able to survive.

School started back up, and I was now a Sophomore in Highschool. I was mentally stuck at 14 during this time (as I was 14 when the lockdown happened). I haven’t socialized with others in over 2 years. It took a while to adjust, but I was able to pull through. I was slowly developing a curiosity for religion and even tried being Buddhist, but it didn’t feel right. One day, while I was watching YouTube shorts, an interesting video popped up. It was about a woman walking up to a man because God told her that this man has something important to tell her. The man's first thought was "spaghetti". It was revealed that the woman's daughter passed away in a car crash and her favorite meal was spaghetti. For some reason, this made everything click. I was searching for a missing puzzle piece that I tried to fit with other things, but it never fit. But this did, this felt right.

I started going to different churches until I settled for one that I believed God wanted me to be at. I never felt so close to God until being in this church. While praying for God to help me with my studies, I felt a strong urge to read a verse. It was Mark 9:23-24 -

"'If you can?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes." Immediately the boy's father exclaimed "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

This verse really spoke to me, and I wanted to deepen my faith in Jesus. Faith is a quiet strength that carries through the toughest parts of my life. I wrestle with a lot of questions, but I know I am no longer alone.

I want to say, if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self-harm, you are not alone. You are loved and cared for. I know you're hurting, and I know you probably tried to reach out. But never give up. Things really do get better. It took me 4 years for things to look up for me. You are never alone. These are helplines for every country. Do not be afraid to reach out. I pray for you, and God loves you.