BITCH ASS DEREK

So, my bro Stefan called me up, asking if I wanted to go to a house party with him the other day. Obviously I said, "hell yeah,". Now, fast forward to an hour later and there we were. This place was packed, by the way. You couldn't walk around without bumping into some asshole who would get mad at you for spilling their beer - as if they weren't the ones drunk off their asses reeking of cat piss, but whatever. Anyway. 

I lost track of Stefan for a bit, but I found him upstairs arguing with some buff dude. Now, I'm not the most muscular guy around, but I had to backup my bro, y'know?

The guy harassing my bro? He's an asshole named Derek. I've never met this piece of shit before until that night, but he was acting like he owned the damn place. And it wasn't even his house! It was Ed's house, god damnit.

Stefan and Derek are still arguing, and it's getting heated. Derek is a pretty big dude, but Stefan doesn't give a shit. BAD IDEA. Derek then had Stefan pinned against the wall, yelling like a goddamn drill sergeant. I step in, push Derek away, and then with the strength of a thousand men - he pushed me down the fucking stairs! I could've broken my neck! I would've been paralyzed from the neck down, needing someone to wipe my ass for the rest of my life. Not that Derek would've cared, the son of a bitch.

Once the pain in my back eased up, I lifted my head and saw Stefan and Derek still fighting, and it's getting ugly fast. So, I get my ass up and run back upstairs to help my bro out. (Side note: Look, I never claimed to be a good fighter. Also, how the hell was I supposed to win a fight against a grown ass adult who practically lives at the gym and eats nothing but blended unseasoned chicken? On another weird note: the party was filled with teenagers and there's this grown ass man hanging around? Sus.)

Okay, now back to the story. Me and Stefan are holding our own, but then the craziest shit happens - I get thrown out of a window. Yeah, you read that right. Bitch ass Derek pushed me out of an open window. Thankfully, a shrub broke my fall. Then I hear Stefan yelling my name, but it was hard to hear him over The Backstreet Boys. After gathering my bearings, I'm back on my feet after falling from a two-story drop that should've broken my ankles. Suddenly, I look up and see Stefan jumping from the same window to escape from that crazy ass MF. But Derek wasn't done with us yet. He was yelling at us from the window, threatening to beat our asses, etc.

We shared a look and decided that it was time to leave, but Derek was bulldozing his way out of the house. We hauled ass, running through the backyard and pushing people out of the way. I bumped into a girl doing whippits on the back patio and Stefan nearly stepped in a heaping pile of dog shit. We climbed the fence and ran towards Stefan's car - or so we thought. We then realized that we forgot where we had parked. So, we were walking up and down the street with Stefan clicking his car keys repeatedly. After about thirty minutes, we found the car and drove to McDonald's.

And the whole time we were there? Not once did we see Ed (the guy who lived at the house).

Oh, and you want to know what caused the fight? Stefan doesn't even remember. So, in essence, I got my ass beat for nothing.