performance / i can't

i've been meaning to write this for days. i got too caught up with life update bulletins and how they get more attention here than blog posts, suddenly i forgot.

anyways, here goes.

about more than a week ago i posted about a table read and told u guys i'm (still) an actor, but that i've been trying to stay away from acting as much as i can. 

to speak on it, i require an introduction, or some backstory, perhaps.

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when i was 15, on a conversation at a small little park in my building with much older neighbors, they found out my dream was to act, and within the convo, it came up that the old couple from the 5th floor owned a theatre company and were teachers in it as well.

we formally got introduced and a few weeks later, i was already stepping into my first class with them.

i dare say at the time, my thoughts were all-over-the-place happiness. i found a group of like-minded folks, from ages 15 to 22; we had little improv exercises and a lot of bonding and discussion over art and the plays they were about to do. everybody got along. i was a fish out of water, in the best way possible. 

after a month there, i got my first role and my first performance, i did wonderfully. the entire cast and teachers took me to lunch, and the movies after. one of my favorite days ever.

fast forward a few months, i was already friends with everyone there, my life was the stage, but plenty of things were going on that weren't allowing me to feel fully happy and satisfied; the company was based on overworking their actors, didn't matter the age.

plays were too close to each other, too expensive and costly to actors, everyone needed days off and their work/study schedules clashed immensely. nobody was happy.

november that year, almost everybody fled as soon as the christmas break set in. i signed up for another company, and my old teachers hated me for it.

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these guys were massively strict. they were perhaps, the most prestigious company in town. everyone was over 17 years old, and i got to act with plenty of acting vets. they were massively serious about your health, physique and adaptability.

we had four classes in one: physical expression, vocal expression, interpretation and dramaturgy.

i felt like i was finally in deep, yet these classes were absolutely punishing to my body. i was used to being out of shape and typecast, something they recognized and pushed me out of, yet somehow forgot about along the way.

the workshop ended in february of the following year, there wasn't a christmas break so we managed to sneak in a few once-a-week classes. it was perfect, until covid struck. plenty of companies worked online, but it truly wasn't the same. thankfully, we didn't.

we came back in july 2021. i was 18 at the time, had long hair and the same physique. only about 8 of the 20 people in the initial class came back for the play we were supposed to perform the previous year.

my role was absolutely terrible, i was a nudist pretending to be blind so he could pry on girls on a boat. i hated it and thankfully i didn't get to do anything uncomfortable besides my lines, but at least the people laughed and i did a great job.

late that same year, we became legacy actors in the company, and new students came in for the usual yearly workshop.

that was a problematic time.

my directors stopped caring about quality, and only wanted money. some of the students there needed to be pushed forward and actually taught to act. directors were afraid that pushing too hard would scare students off from paying, and that they'd have to charge us legacy actors again, which they eventually did anyways.

our second play was plagued by missteps, crashouts, shortcomings, etc. we were at least glad the first show went along relatively well.

i was already cast in another play by the same people, yet when our second show of the previous one happened, because of how mismanaged and disastrous it was, i felt so embarrassed of how low they'd set themselves i had to leave, and i did.

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2023 came and we finally all got film class in our friend group, as i was the only actor they knew, they cast me in every. single. short film.

you wanna know what's the funny part? i finally got roles that weren't the chubby little weirdo. everyone that watched me, including former stage peers showered me in compliments, saying they had no idea i had that in me.

issue was, i'd grown tired of acting, and as soon as it was my time to direct, it was all i wanted to do.

so what happened was: whenever i performed, i did it out of commitment to a friend or someone's trust in my talents, but i didn't feel myself pushing as much as i did before.

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you might wonder, why? weren't you just being massively complimented on your work?

- well, yes. thing is, i'm a human being and changes came.

when my journey began, i never wondered work would get in my way of doing what i wanted, i'd never even read the term "body dysmorphia", never felt gender dysphoria and had enough critical thought to realize how misrepresented i felt.

somehow, for every decent role i got, two absolutely terrible ones would follow.

and i want to save myself the hassle of being typecast and playing stupid.

i'm mostly filtering every offer i get to work as an actor, between what exact roles i would love to take, and others that are very challenging yet respectful to my capabilities.

but i'm not considering myself as a full-fledged "actor" anymore.

to be honest, i've already directed three student shorts, about 5-6 full scripts which probably won't see the life of day and i'm working on my first film, which i'll talk about soon, but i'm still writing and putting together concepts, as i consider this my life's work and something that has my utmost attention and urgency to work on.

i don't think there's more i could say.

i'm done pushing my image, weight, capabilities, mental stability for something i don't believe i still have the strength and fierceness to do.

i love the craft of acting and interpreting a role, how it only takes your imagination to picture the words on a script and propose an outfit, a makeup scheme, a vocal inflection. a real being.

and that's still helpful! it gives me massive insight into directing actors, a skill which almost no film students have and can't even itch to acquiring unless they've been in the craft themselves.

i will prevail, let's hope.

rik x