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ive never had a depressive episode as bad as this one. its been almost 3 months now. i think my psychologist is going to send me to the psych ward. i cant get out of bed, i cant go to work, ive stopped responding to people. i sleep all day but i cant sleep at night at all. i keep taking handfulls of sleeping pills but that doesnt even work anymore.
i absolutely hate summer. its gorgeous and i love doing summer activities. but its too bright and loud. i wake up at 4 am to the EVIL BIRDS SCREAMING IN MY EAR. i used to love it because i would study birds and the calls they made. now i am just filled with an unfathomable RAGE lmao.
i dont understand how people manage things. everyone around me seems to be able to have a job, go to school, have hobbies, take care of their bodies, and spend time with friends. the older i get the more i feel like i must be missing something. i cannot comprehend how people manage to do everything.
people keep asking me what i want to do for work, for college, anything about the future. and honestly i just cant come up with anything. i dont imagine myself having a future. ive been suicidal for 12 years and it only gets worse the older i get. the anhedonia is so strong i just stop caring if i do any basic hygeine unless i absolutely have to. i cant force myself to do anything anymore.
i cant sleep and when i do i cant wake up either
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AmeKo
I understand, I was suicidal and depressed for years. I'm going to tell you something that sounds cliche and a waste of time, but I'm very serious about it.
1) The sun is REALLY important, stay at shadow if you don't like it, indirect sunlight is enough. You need vitamin D.
2) See new a view. Staying always in the same scenery can contribute to your depression. Go to a new places, it doesn't matter if it's is walking, in a car, bus or riding a bike.
3) Pet time. Animals can make you feel better, go to a dog park, pet your friend's cat, go to see some fish, anything.
4) Once at week dress and look nice just because, you don't need to go anywhere, but it makes you feel nice just for yourself. Eat a special snack, dye your hair, try new outfits...
I know it's hard and meaningless, but nothing is forever, even the bad times.
thank you for this, it means a lot
by thatoneseahorse; ; Report