Skin

My skin is thick. Not a lot of things can easily hurt my feelings anymore, this because I was bullied as a child. While I don't like to label it as that, it is what it is. As an elementary school student I was always known as the ugly girl that no one liked; not only was I ugly but I was weird and kind of a nerd. 

Today, at 18 years old im finally seen as one of the pretty girls and my odd behavior is often times looked over because of it. I went from being asked out as a dare and a joke to people being interested in me. Or maybe I am lusted over. 

When I'm told people care about me the only thing that is ever mentioned about me is my physical appearance. "He thinks you're super hot." At first it was a pleasant surprise, finally after all of these years as being seen as the ugly duckling someone finally thinks that I am beautiful. The more attention I pulled though I realized that they didn't see me as pretty or as beautiful, I was seen as hot or sexy. The attention started to disgust me. My desire for a partner and my perception on love was warped slightly upon the realization that not many people will see me as a pretty girl that they want to know but as a piece of meat that they can maybe try to win for a night. 

I have never had a boyfriend. Every guy I have ever liked either didn't care for me or thought that I was too ugly to be with them. When I had finally 'had my glow up,' which wasn't a glow up at all, I just learnt how to do my makeup, I started getting the attention from guys that I had wanted when I was younger. I wouldn't entertain it after realizing all they wanted was a quick shag but the interaction would always make me feel icky. After the first 20 attempts of people trying to get into my pants I had finally decided to not bother. I decided I will just work on my friendships with people. New friends are good, always good is what I had learnt. Some of my best friends are popular, while I don't need popularity it wouldn't hurt to have more than 3 friends. So I did. I went out of my way and I made more friends. 

I would soon realize that I hate that. Or maybe I don't hate it, maybe I'm just bad at picking them. Being disgustingly sexualized doesn't just stop at gross guys, no, it can be the people who you hold close to you. 

Everyday I was boiled down to a 'hot girl' who wasn't very smart but "hey, at least she has big tits. She'll make some guy very happy." Their hands were always on my thighs and my breasts and for the first time ever, at my large structure I had felt small. Like a wounded zebra thrown into an enclosure of hungry lions. 

I felt defenseless, and maybe, just maybe If I yelled at them loud enough they would have stopped. They didn't and they instead doubled down on groping me. 

I don't know what I did for them to think that I am just someone for them to objectify. I no longer feel like a friend to them, I feel like I am a doll for them to play with. 

When asked with what mythical creature I would pick to be I tell people I would want to be an eldritch horror that disintegrates people's flesh when they come into contact with me. I want my skin to be made of highly reactive toxins, my mouth to spit venom, and I wish to be horrifying to look at. Perhaps I would have a flower or two on my body for the ones who I love. Usually when I give this answer Im looked at weird and told I should pick a more 'normal answer,' such as a vampire or a siren. While I think the two of those are cool I would much rather be untouchable. 

My skin is thick but it has many cracks. Each and every gross comment and action made about/towards me slips into the cracks and festers.