Entry 5 – Where I’ve Been [27/05/2025]

Hello, reader.

To answer the titular question, I have been studying for my Computer Science A Level exam. I locked in like a week before the exams, and I got done with the last one a few days ago. That’s the main reason that I skipped last week’s (and a bit more?) entry; but it’s not the only reason. This introduction was shorter than I expected, buy yeah – I’ll be getting into those other reasons (and more stuff!) below.

If you’ve happened to read the previous entries in this blog, you might know that I struggle with depressive periods, and especially more so for the past few months. But it has come to my knowledge that the symptoms that I am currently experiencing are more closely related to autistic burnout. (Thanks to one of Morgan Foley’s recent short videos.) I know that there’s a solid chance I have autism, but I never really looked into autistic burnout before – and honestly, it makes a lot of sense. The inability to do anything at all for major parts of the day, and actions that would normally be easy turning into whole tasks, and normal world sounds just feeling so much louder than they should. I mean I still do have depressive periods, but I’ve been trying to differentiate them from burnout periods; and understanding what are my specific abilities and requirements during each. And I can still have both at the same time; but when I don’t, then I don’t want one to trigger the other, which is why it’s useful to know these things. And the dysphoria just sort of weans in and out periodically, but it’s made worse when I’m already tired due to burnout. Sidenote, I still don’t have a professional diagnosis, but I’m working on it (I have a session scheduled for the near future).

On a completely different note, I started re-reading The Sun and the Star (by Rick Riordan and Mark Oshiro). (The first time I read it was in May 2023, and that was not a good era of my life, which is why I think I don’t really remember much about the plot.) I think I’d mentioned that I sorted out my Pinterest boards, and because of this I’ve been scrolling on it more and expanding my pin collection. So one night, I was scrolling through Riordanverse pins (including Solangelo ones) to reconnect with old memories. And then I still wanted more, and was comfortable with wanting more, so I said ‘screw it’ and picked up the book and started reading it. (This comfort was partially brought about by me listening to songs I used to in 2018 – back when I read Percy Jackson for the first time – but also by just a general feeling of comfort with older versions of myself. By the way, the rains started; that probably contributed something too.) I’ve kept a mostly consistent routine since then, and it’s been really nice; I’m almost halfway through the book now. I feel like I’ve really formed a connection with Nico’s character, especially after having faced the horrors earlier and having understood them more recently. I’m really fascinated (not sure if this is the right word, but I’m trying) by his ingrained acceptance of the darkness and the pain of existence, and it makes me feel like I’m allowed to be sad all the time, if the feeling makes sense. This sentence didn’t make sense possibly. But as I said, I’m trying; and I think this is the closest I can get it right now.

Subsequently because of my re-introduced reading habit and a lot more time on my hands, I’ve been getting into writing again. And yes, I’ve been outlining my fanfic since last year, and writing songs every once in a while, and practicing for my English exam. But this time, I tried writing the actual story itself – creating flesh for the first time in years, upon a skeleton which I’m somewhat more practiced with making. Sorry if that was unusual, but it’s literally how I describe my design process for certain projects. Also, it sounds cool. But anyways, according to the very first entry here, getting back into writing was one of the main goals I had from starting this blog. And based on recent events, I would say I’m getting closer to achieving that goal. The thing I have to focus on now is to try and continue doing what I’m doing; and hopefully reach some level of completion on the bigger projects (eg. the AU fanfic). AO3 plug: go read my writing practice ficlet thingy, it’s kinda small and kinda dark but I’m still proud of it :))

And lastly, I still have not responded to so many of my messages – both here and in real life – and in all honesty, I kinda don’t feel like doing so. Regardless, I will respond in my own due time, but I cannot guarantee that it will be soon. In other news, I have completed (100%-ed) Sable, and it currently sits at 40.3 hours played in my Steam library (which is more than my playtime on Outer Wilds, so it’s quite a big deal).

Welp, that’s all I have for today. Remember to drink water, take naps, and otherwise take care of yourself. Peace out, and we’ll meet again when we meet again.

P.S. no beta we die like men (I was supposed to send the blog link to my fren but I keep forgetting qwq- this week fs fs)