Confessions of a Jamaican Gay Guy #6

Kam Turns 20: Part #1

2 weeks ago, I imagined my 20th birthday weekend to be a spectacular reintroduction back into the gay scene. I wanted to have on the most sickening outfit, take sickening pictures and post them all over instagram to remind these people that I am still that bitch. As my birthday drew closer and closer, the farther and farther I felt I was from what I imagined, as nothing was aligning the way I wanted it to. At one point I decided to just give up and push my birthday celebration from the weekend before, to the weekend after, as nothing was going my way and I wasn't feeling the vibe anymore. I spent Labour Day at home being productive and catching up on some shows, instead of being outside, which felt good as I am not seeing a lot of progress in terms of my abs. Saturday was supposed to be no different, until Nuts called me and decided told me that he wanted to meet me at Hope Gardens, which I thought was him trying to surprise me with a birthday picnic, but upon arrival I found out he was just hanging with a bunch of theater gays while they try to make a tiktok. The whole thing seemed a little lackluster, but one of the boys was really cute, and they managed to convince me to maybe join their group, but with some more information about the person in charge, I might not. Nuts wanted to actually go to a party, but out of the whim, he asked me if I wanted to have a sleepover with him at a friends house. He alluded to the possibility of the friend being a lot older than us, but I thought he was joking, so willingly I agreed, and just like that, I called my parents, went home and got some clothes, then met up with him and another friend (Let's call him reptile), and off we were to his friends house for a sleepover/birthday celebration. Reptile was a average height, skinny, brownskin guy that kinda resembled a cobra. We hit it off as we had a lot of stuff in common, and he also had a bitchy, posh attitude thing going on that was kinda sexy. I was feeling him, and I thought Nuts asked him to come so we could get along and maybe start talking exclusively. 

As the drive commenced, I grew more and more intrigued by Reptile, as he just seemed more and more interesting and enticing the more I got to know him. I commended Nuts for finally introducing me to someone I actually liked, as everyone else has been really questionable. Upon arrival to the house, I realized that he in fact was not joking about the guy being a lot older than us, as the person that greeted us looked like he could be my father. He (lets call him Beekeeper) was a little bit shorter than me, and even though he looked older, he was giving more of a dilfy beekeeper, which was kinda hot. I was still skeptical of the fact that he  invited 3, 20-21 year old twinks to his house, but upon further investigation and observation, Nuts was the one who orchestrated this whole thing, and Beekeeper just there to be there. He didn't really participate much until late on in the night, and was really nice and inviting, which made me trust him a little more. Me and Reptile were telling each other stories about our past relationships when Nuts came out from the kitchen to play music. Nuts as expected starting dancing, and I started to dance too, and Nuts decided to dance on reptile, which caused reptile to start getting really wild. 

Throughout the course of the night, the attention drew farther and farther away from me, as Reptile kept giving Nuts all the attention, and Beekeeper was just in his phone not paying attention. I was in the dark about what was really underneath the surface at the time, so I was just feeling really weirded out, until things took a turn for the worse. After a little conversation about how Nuts met Beekeeper, I found out that Nuts and Beekeeper were talking romantically, but Nuts shut him down because they were both tops. Reptile was still willing to make it work though and just verse it out for him, but Nuts still hesitated, which made Reptile believe that Nuts was not being truthful about the real reason he didn't want them to date. Nuts then told Reptile that he was emotionally unavailable as he still had feelings for his ex, which recently forgave him and is willing to make the relationship work again. Reptile didn't take this well, which caused a huge rift in the atmosphere, making the whole night go from innocent fun to a extremely uncomfortable situation. I spoke to Nuts about the whole thing while Beekeeper spoke to Reptile, Reptile cried and Nuts got a stern pep talk from me about boundaries, but other than that things went back to normal, or so I thought.

Everyone was feeling a little adventurous, so we decided to do something frisky and have a foursome. Everything started off fine, until it started happening again, Reptile was giving most of his attention to Nuts, and I felt like I was being left out again, and at some points it felt like Beekeeper was in on it too. I just felt shitty about everything and was overthinking the whole session at some points. At one point everything just went blank and I decided to just let what is happening happen and just go with the flow of the night until they eventually stop. After a lot of intense foreplay, Beekeeper came, which caused everything to die down. It didn't get better even after that, as I was finding it hard to sleep and decided to leave the bed as I was being sandwiched by male body heat and couldn't get in a comfortable enough position to fall asleep. I went on the couch and eventually tried falling asleep there, but I only like an hour in before Reptile was ready to leave for work. Unfortunately he had to leave the house alone as Nuts was too tired to leave the bed, and I didn't know where to go at all. The rest of the day commenced with me, Nuts and Beekeeper debriefing the night, Me and Nuts leaving to go home, then me sleeping out most of the rest of the day at home.

I started writing this entry at the start of work today, but everything was still so fresh to me that I still didn't have time to fully process everything and come to a conclusion. No matter how hard I tried, I kept thinking about the attention I didn't get, how much I was treated like a last minute addition, then later got confirmation that I was in fact a last minute addition. How all of that could have been avoided if I just said now. I spent most of work today feeling shitty, as I kept blaming myself and what I lacked instead of blaming the niggas that were all very irresponsible with their emotions to even care to spare my feelings. It was shitty that I was invited as a last minute option because it was my birthday. It was shitty that I was ropped into some drama that I had nothing to do with. It was shitty that I grew interest in a guy just to find out he was in love with my friend and my friend didn't tell me and made me embarrass myself. It was shitty that the only person that wasn't ignoring me was a 52 year old man. It was just shitty. The sex part was good until it wasn't, but other than that it was just shitty. Was the conversation between Reptile and Nuts necessary, yes, but it should have been done days before this. I just wanted to have fun and all I did was be a third wheel, a therapist, and a cuck, all in the night. 

Idk where any of this is going, so I will be back at the end of this week to give you a full update.

xoxo, Kam