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i was suicidal and depressed a few years back (when i was 12) and it still haunts and spooks me to this day. i dont really remember being in her shoes, and i can only vaguely remember that period of time in my life. but to this day, i'm always worried that i'll become just like her again, like it always something at the back of my mind. i would definitely be so disappointed with myself if i fall back to those days.

when i was 12, obviously i felt lost and unseen by everyone. at that age, i thought everyone around me (the adults, my friends, family members) had an impending feeling of wanting to kill themsleves. i thought it was so normalised that people just didn't bring the topic up so i just didnt talk about it to anyone. obviously now, i know that that feeling isn't normal at all.

i was listening to this podcast and it really resonated with me. she was talking about how she felt like her life had a deadline, she labeled herself "dead by 16" (or whatever age). and that she felt like a ticking time bomb as if life had an expiration date so early on in her life. to me, i just couldn't even envision what my life was gonna be like when i turn 14-16. i always thought that i wouldnt survive and by some miracle, i would just die. 

unfortunately, because i was so messed up mentally, i eventually had thoughts of ending my life. i dont know what happened that day, it was a blur to me but all i was thinking about was how guilty everyone would feel about a 12 year old girl jumping off a building and just see her dead body on the floor. i'd like to think that was my guardian angel putting some sense into my brain because i left from my attempt that day, fortunately, unharmed. and soon in about 16 days, i'm going to be turning 16 :D (an age 12 year old me would never think of becoming). writing and thinking about this period of my life still scares me, i dont really dont how to describe it but u get the pointtt

obviously i think this kinda influenced the way my brain works. basically, i think everything that i encountered during that time, i sort of subconsciously avoided them. i feels like my body's coping mechanism to prevent me from falling into that dreadful period of my life again. i remembered i was so stressed from school that i overworked and burned myself out. i think that was the main reason why i was so depressed and had no willingness to live. so now, my brain kinda avoids overworking myself with too much work that now, i can't work hard anymore. i'm scared that i'll fall into the same pattern and i'll start to spiral. don't know how im gonna fix that but hey, acknowledging it is half the battle won.

xoxo, aisha <3