nauseous (full on paragraph of an huge pity party for myself)

I really never know what to post here, so I’ll just kind of ramble again and think about posting my favorite things next to pass the time

I feel very sick and sad even though this month in general is theoretically supposed to be one of the happiest time for me right now. I technically “bagged” (I think that’s what the term is but the proper thing would sound like “got with”) the guy I’ve had a crush on since the start of year and i love him very much , got new cats and other stuff but at the same time really bad things keep happening to me. I guess being said..it really isn't a type of thing I can just forget about because it’s the people I am supposed to be related to. I must’ve done something really bad in some sort of past life for this. I talked about it to this one girl I know who is my friend and the whole conversation ended up to some “despite everything that’s still your ___” conclusion and just thought to myself like, wow. She really doesn’t understand how bad it is for me. 

There is the obvious want to be good and kind.. i don’t mean this in a fake manner though but naturally. but I’m just so full of negative/sorrowful feelings (time to time) especially towards those who are doing better than me. The girl was adopted too so i guess this is why I’m even bringing this up. I don’t really know what to think. And when I don't have to go to school anymore I would like to live somewhere far away..alone or with someone else surrounded by nature and hidden from the world and its people. Kind of an unrealistic fantasy considering the state of the world , I already know this lol . The headphones I wear 24/7 to the point people at my school probably think I’m special needs or something to block out the voices of others/noisr isn’t enough. But here I am listening to the audiobook of “a child called it”

https://youtu.be/e_73n1G0j_0?si=yIhR_gOcHmmO-tYi

ignore the spelling mistakes or sentences here that might not make any sense. I’m not quite used to typing this much on sites like these.