(Happy vent) I love my mama and never realized who she truly was for me until now

I grew up in a ghetto area in Southeast Asia, one of those places where the locals don't talk about the gangs but it happens a lot and eventually when shit gets too much to handle, someone has to bring it up, mostly schools when kids get caught with dope. But that's not often, most people turn a blind eye. As a child, the local cops and security often failed to take me seriously about me asking for help about old men tryna touch me in places or teens threatening violence because in their eyes, I was just another "kid tryna stir shit".

It didn't help I'm a neurodivergent "softie" girl and strongly sheltered by my mom so in addition to being horribly bullied at school, I had to learn my street smarts from my secret friends, teen gang members I would meet up with after school. I became friends with one of them when I was 13 by chance when I offered him a bandaid from my pocket in response to seeing him accidentally cut himself tryna open a packet with a cheaply made exacto knife. I originally had it as a backup when the current bandaid on my finger got water damage or something. Apparently he was surprised that someone who held himself as threatening as he did was shown kindness by some random stranger kid, so he knew I wasn't a threat.

Eventually he and his friends began confiding in me, they talked to me like some sister. I learnt a lot of them were in the gang because it was the closest they had to family. Like if they were gonna die right there for their brothers, they guess it was their time to go. They told me to keep it a secret that we were friends because they didn't want to involve me if shit went south (I can tell the story, I just can't mention who specifically they are). Their fathers were often absent, and if not their mothers were, and if both were still present they were abusive or neglectful. The one who started my friendship with them had a mother who was facing domestic violence at the time as his father was an alcoholic having trouble coping with the lack of funds to pay rent. He'd take whatever scraps he managed to rob home and say it was "his portion of the school chairty program donation money" to pass it off as normal. Even then, it was just barely or almost enough. While I don't condone robbing innocent people, I see why he did what he did. He told me he only robs men who look like they can defend themselves, so that put just a slight ease in my soul. Unfortunately, covid lockdown happened and when it ended and I went back to school, they were nowhere to be found. I still wonder where they are now and if they're ok.

I related to this because as a kid, my dad despite being a man with a well paying job was physically abusive to both his wife and kids. I suspect it might've been undiagnosed untreated autism as most of his violent meltdowns were caused by sensory details like dust on the floor or lights being too bright. He grew up in a village area, where poverty was high and people prioritized physical health over mental health due to costs. I never realized this until I was diagnosed as autistic later though and it all made sense because those little things bothered me too but as a child who faced the wrath of an adult's uncontrolled meltdowns, I kept it in and never complained. I realized he loved us after remembering all he'd do for me as a kid, but he was just doomed by the circumstances. My mom's since divorced him and taken us to a safer more gated neighborhood but she lets me still keep in touch only through text because she understands. She often tells me he wants to me meet me in person again sometime and while I'm not fully against that I'm hesitant though. It just shows, even a family with decent income can't run from the pains of abuse.

And my mama, the point of this post. I can't begin to thank her enough. I'm lucky I'm having this epiphany while she's still alive and I can still hug her. When my dad had his meltdowns, she'd often try to be a human shield no matter how much injury she'd sustain. I remember everything from her having a cold iron put to her face to her holding me with her bleeding nose. She'd do everything to protect me. But eventually she started repeating the abuse. Whenever I made a mistake like got low marks on a test or made a mess, she'd beat me the same. Sometimes till my nose bled to which she lets me go take a bath to clean off. I didn't understand and got mad at her at the time because I didn't understand why, but now I realize a human can only go so far suffering this long without repeating the cycle involuntarily. While I can't excuse what she did, I understand why and I choose to forgive.

Yet she refused to leave him. As a child, I was upset. I thought she was stupid for staying and often lashed out at her by yelling when I was reminded of her perceived impotence but eventually, she finally told me why. When she was a kid, she grew up without her father as he'd passed from illness. Her mother had to work long hours and she was mostly alone. She became a troublemaker, getting into fights and shit, and she knew the reason why deep down inside. She didn't want me to suffer as she believed a child without a father would fail, which is a fair belief considering how my friends were. But eventually, after 16 years she finally understood staying with him did little good and began working as an estate agent to scrap together what money she could to get us out.

She was able to use the marketing education she'd received as a young adult funded by her mother from the same university where she met my dad at to get the job and eventually climbed the ranks to become a full on senior. Now she has a sustainable income for us to survive, to eat, to pay rent, to buy clothes, everything. She bought us a nice clean apartment in a gated villa far from our old hood and cooked for us every night after work. Despite being at work for most of the day, she's never emotionally distant from us. She's always close, calling me whenever she's free or done with a client. While the income is sporadic, so we still have to be thrifty as her payment is on commission basis and sometimes her boss delays her payments, there's always a guaranteed income for us, even though delayed.

The first few months after spontaneously running away was hard. We had to sleep in different cheap hotel rooms around the inner city, still near our dangerous old hood. She'd work day and night, going to office and typing away at her laptop just to scrape together just enough to pay the deposit on our new apartment room. Eventually she made it, she took us with her. And now we live comfortably. Sure, we have to take the batteries outta the tv remote to use the digital thermometer when my brothers get sick but hey, small price to pay. And now, my mom is healing. She's no longer the same abrasive and abusive woman she was. She's taking care of my little brothers they I never had been, and I couldn't ask for anything more. It's like a "I walked so they could run" type deal with my brothers here and honestly, I'll take that shit with pride.

I'm 19 and I've only realized how much my mama sacrificed for me now. After all these years of getting upset at her and not understanding what she was trying to do. She wasn't perfect, her first few strategies failed but the intent was there. She could've just left me home, grabbed her papers and dipped overseas in her home country. She could've just abandoned the responsibility altogether. Yet she never did, she stayed for me. When I was a snot nosed little shit drooling all over her batik dress, she stayed for me. And she's still here for me now. I feel lucky I'm learning to love her at this age of my life because I often hear people have this epiphany way too late.

I never truly understood until now. Now I can't go a moment a day without thinking about her. About how grateful I should be. Not a lot of kids in the ghetto I was from got a mama this commited. And everytime she picks me up from college, I give her a big ass hug like I'm still that same little 5 year old girl she played toys with after finishing the cooking and cleaning when dad was at work cause idgaf, this is my fucking mama. I still wear the cheap micro-hoop earrings with religious blessings she gifted me, I never take them off unless needed.

I know it's a bit past mother's day bur guess I just wanted to happy vent lol

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