The insatiable desire to disappear completely

I don't believe anyone is active on this site and I was overcome with the need to write my thoughts somewhere before they escape me ( and writing practice never hurts)

But anyway... 

For as long as I can remember I have had a guttural urge to escape, to run far away from those around me. For example, I would have been around the age of 4-5 and hid behind a wall after failing a question one of my peers had asked me, this fear and need to flee when making mistakes had consumed me, and even now as an almost adult women it continue to plague me, taunting me. I WANNA PUT A BIG GUN TO MY HEAD!!! BANGGGGGGGGGG