smoke and mirrors: monologue of a disillusioned girl

you know you've got everybody fooled, and up until last thursday you had me under your spell too. in all my history of smoke and mirrors i'd never seen a distortion like you. every inch of me knew better than to trust you yet i honestly thought that you wouldn't be so callous.

but i was wrong—what did i do to make you react so viciously? how can you act with such emotional brutality after hearing every inch of my past? i'm not sure i'll ever understand how you could undress my wounds and kiss them so delicately before ripping them to shreds and enbalming me in salt—you were so deliberately cruel and i never would have guessed you would leave in the manner you did. i should've known, all along, i was only another body to take your promises as gospel.

you were a true vision when the light broke through the blinds, you know i've only felt truly holy once i was touched by you. but if this is eden then you are the serpent and i will forever pay for believing that love is unconditional—and that i was lucky enough to experience it.

you never called me when you were sober—likely because that's when you loved me the least—if drunk words are sober thoughts then why did your tongue betray your mind? i wonder where all of this would've led if you were a better boy, i can't accept that i won't approach you in white and become your other half by law—how can you be gone?

if my friends ask me i'd tell them otherwise but if you must know, everything in my heart is hoping you'll come back. what if i can't forget you babe—what will happen to my soul if i'm forever abandoned in limbo? i can't continue to pick up pieces of myself, in fact i'm not sure i want to.

i wish you could've understood that my love was real, i'm not fully sure there's a heart behind your ribcage, i'm not fully sure if i hit you you'd even feel it. 

when we were implicity over and i saw you in the food court you wouldn't even look at me, you kept your head down so all i could see was the bottle blond curls i once had my fingers in.

i cannot stop walking babe, i'm halfway to who knows where, all of my body aches with the anticipation that you'll change your mind and i can sneak over again—i wouldn't even tell a soul. for what even am i when i'm by myself? what if i'm nothing but too much, not enough, what if i can only be one or the other?—i never quite grasped the concept of balance.

all my friends try to convince me that i'm not just dirty laundry collecting dust on the floor, that i'm more than a drunken love affair, that i'm not a physical manifestation of everything evil in the world—but i don't believe them now, and i never will.

i caused no harm babe, so why are all of my bones fractured? i wish i could've had the strength to pull out my eyes from their sockets so i could've avoided witnessesing all this perish so prematurely. so please babe, please, if you ever think leaving was a mistake, i'll be right where you left me.