un-for-given

a memory just returned to me.

at the mental health program i went to, last year, we had...not a holiday party, but a definite last day of the winter season, before the holidays came, and some people gave each other presents. i know that i wasn't the only one, but my experience of that day & the days after was unique; i'm pretty sure i'm the only one who planned to give multiple of my friends things they never ended up receiving. i'd gotten gifts for all my friends, even people i wasn't particularly close to, just to mark how valuable they were; at least valuable to me. a few of them had been roommates, a few of them had just been...kind. i wanted to make note of it, to express gratitude for it. and a few people walked away with their gifts from me, sure, but most people were busy or forgetful that day, and so left without a thing from me.

many of those gifts -- all of them, that i couldn't or didn't want to repurpose -- are still just sitting in random places around my house.

so are the books i got my ex, that i am now planning to read -- anything to not throw them away -- as are multiple little trinkets i've held onto for crushes/ex-crushes.

it's always strange when people refuse -- or simply don't put in the effort to receive -- gifts.

it's not even properly selfish. selfish, according to all traditional definitions i've relied on, would be to receive the gifts without reciprocation or even acknowledgment. but that's not what any of these objects are symbolic of. they're symbolic of -- on one hand -- loyalty, and faithful; or perhaps even love. on the other hand, though, they partially symbolize disconnection & abandonment. all of these people the objects should belong to didn't even want what i had to offer. or, a slightly more...still-loyal, still-faithful reading is that they were genuinely too busy -- or overwhelmed, with life's other aspects; i am not the center -- to think about it. whatever the cause, i don't think i'll be throwing these away at all. i don't think i'll be discarding them, certainly not anytime soon. i won't hoard them, i don't meet people i like enough to have hoard's worth, but the ones i have are staying with me.

because these things -- things -- don't only come in binaries. more than just being about loyalty, or abandonment, they are also about the efforts i will make for others -- in other words, they are symbols of strength. my strength. (well, it's a strength anyone can possess.)

the Strength of Trying.