Hi, im luvmeugly, and im an addict

TRIGGER WARNING: Drugs, alcohol, overdose, death.

Hello. If you're here you're either judging, seeking comradery, or just cucurious. Thank you for taking your time to check out this thread. U don't need to comment, no kudos needed, anything. I'm just putting this out there so I can get my thoughts on paper so I can read it. Anyways.

My whole life I've struggled on and off with drugs/alcohol. It always starts out the same for everybody. Fun. We get together with a few friends, smoke a joint, giggle, watch funny shows or cruise around town on bikes, in a car etc. If your journey with drugs/alcohol starts and ends there, congratulations. U won a losing game.

Addiction to mind altering substances are a lot like a casino. Almost ALWAYS house wins. Some substances have a higher risk (buy in) some have less risk. 

For me, it's started the same way it starts with almost everyone. I was raised around a lot of drugs and alcohol. I saw it being consumed. I saw drinks being made. The glass bottles clanging in cheers. "Celebrating" was an almost everyday thing. It was normal. So what did I do?

If u guessed I had played around with fire, you're right. Some can play with fire and not get burned. Me? Let's say I wasn't so lucky. Weed became alcohol. Alcohol became pills. Pills became smack. Smack became blow, blow became ice. I was in a constant state of spiral for most of my life. Getting clean, relapse.

Get clean, relapse.

Get clean, relapse.

Get clean, get clean, get clean.

U lose people to the same fire u both used to play with. Overdoses are almost never on purpose. U get a taste of a substance u like, u get more. As humans, we naturally do what makes us feel better. We want to feel good. That's normal. That's human. Substances, tho some are more natural than others, aren't normal. 

Fires get out of control sometimes. What only used to burn your hand, start burning your arm. Start burning your legs. Your back. Your chest. U don't realize you're getting burned a lot of the time till the pain sets in. By this point, you're in deep. A lot deeper then most go. What do u do from here? What's your rock bottom? What does that look like? Have u felt like u hit rock bottom?

We started out with 5 of us. We all loved to party. The parties became less party, more waiting on the dope man. We couldn't have a good time till we got our dope. Once it was gone, fights started to happen. "Did u do some when I wasn't in the room?"

"Let me check your pockets"

"We need to get more, who's pitching in this time?"

A friend goes straight edge. They realize that they don't want to live like this. All of us have a hard time juggling life, work, party. All we wanted to do was party. They realized there's more to life. It's not all about the party. Now you're down to 4. Less money, craving that dope.

U and the other 3 keep using. Slowly increasing the amount consumed for every "party". The slope is slippery to everybody else, but to u, u don't realize u just lost a friend you've had since middle school. Yall grew up together. Now they can't hang out with u. U see them starting a career. Graduating college. Getting a wife. Having kids. They put a down payment on their first house. And where are the other 4 at? Square one.

U feel bad for yourself now. Now that dope is starting to feel like a necessity. 

"Why can't that be me? I've done some work. Why can't I have a house? Why can't I be where they're at?"

U ask yourself as you're busting out the rig for your next shot. U inject but the dope doesn't hit like it did. It's not doing the drug thing. 

"But I'm TIRED of feeling like this!"

Is this your rock bottom? Are u done? U tell yourself you're going to rehab. Your family is constantly checking on u. Your old friend won't even look at u anymore. Wait my phones ringing, hang on. What? What do u mean? He's dead? No, can't be. I just saw him yesterday. 

His parents tell u it was an accidental overdose. U start to blame yourself. 

"Maybe if I didnt... maybe if we hadnt..."

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Now there's 3 of u left. You're down 2 friends, at this point anybody with half a brain cell would obviously quit at this point. Right?

Not u soldier. U keep chugging along. Your 2 last friends are slowing down, but u can't seem to get a grip. U keep slamming, railing, snorting anything and everything. What now? Is this your rock bottom? Your last 2 friends show up less and less to the "party". Eventually they both stop showing up all together. Rock bottom yet?

Nope. U keep er going. Your savings are gone, your slamming your last hit that u can afford, drinking a 5th of bottom shelf booze with no chaser because u couldn't even afford mixer. Guilt, shame, remorse all very heavy flowing through u at this point in time. 

"I had a bad childhood"

"My friends all left me"

"Everybody hated me"

All of which are facts. You're right, at this point in time, nobody can stand to be around u. Nobody borrows u money anymore. Nobody calls. Nobody texts. You're homeless, broke, and can hardly stomach a single slice of bread. Rock bottom yet?

"Fuck it. My life's over. I knew I'd never amount to anything"

U say as u took the 20 u stole from your "friend" for a slam. U link with your dealer. He warns u about this dope. It's "different". Take it easy on this batch. "Okay" u slip out as he hands u the bag. This time he throws u a bone. A little something extra. "Keep the 20. I'm here if u ever need somebody to talk to"

That's weird. U head to your spot to slam. U rig up, push that needle through your skin, plunge. Finally. U start to lift off, but it doesn't stop there. U start to get light headed. U start to vomit all over yourself. Then all of a sudden

Black.

That's it huh? Haha everyone was right about u. Look at u. They say when u die, your brain replays the best memories u had in life. You're reliving some of your childhood birthdays. Your first kiss. That first hit of dope. All 5 of your friends in a 2003 Pontiac sunfire, laughing, blowing weed smoke out the window. U had a good run. Now it's all over. U were only 22. Sure u worked. U had some W2s. U never got a 1099 tho. Sure u had friends. They all left u tho. Sure u had great parents. They had to stop supporting u tho. Man, this isn't the life u pictured for yourself, is it? Sad. Maybe u can do better next time. If there is a next time.

Goodbye.