some autobiographical stream of consciouness

so it just happened that throughout my life i always had the opportunity and more importantly a will to observe certain discourses from different sides. i was born in ukraine into a family of vatniks, so by the age of fifteen i had a pretty clear view of the flaws on both sides, i could already see how the propaganda machine worked on both ends. at the same time i was discovering the internet and of course got acquainted with things like lefties and what they call based and as much as i dislike these words and find them semiotically inflated, i still have to use them just for the sake of comprehension. and again, i managed to exist in both camps almost simultaneously. but i think i should rewind a bit and mention some things that might seem off-topic: my parents stopped caring about my grades around the fifth grade. and also my mother came home from work around 7 pm, so i was left in solitude; i’m deliberately avoiding the word loneliness, because i didn’t feel what that word implies. from that came the fact that by the time i reached adolescence, if i didn’t already know, then i was definitely learning to understand what i needed and what i didn’t in my life; essentially building my own value framework, which at that time was purely intuitive. of course, this might sound more like bragging, but i’d also like to think that maybe my genes played a part in shaping my personality — specifically my curiosity and perhaps the drive toward truth. my great-grandfather was a nuclear physicist, my grandma a university professor, and some some fucker was a senator in the russian empire. i lived on a street named after my surname. even though i said “some fucker,” in fact i know my ancestry going back to the 12th century. well, not know exactly, but i have access to tree because some dude made a whole research about that. anyway, i started bragging and lost the thread. throughout my life i encountered a lot of different movements: blackpill, looksmaxxing, redpill, feminism, religion, atheism, nazism, socialism i mean the list goes on forever, you get the idea. and then i moved to norway and personally witnessed the difference between eastern and western europe. i honestly can’t remember exactly when, but at some point i got into that thing that translates from greek as love and wisdom a fascination with which is so inflated these days that i avoid the word itself to not associate myself with those people. you know the ones. the word starts with an “n” and ends in “ormies.” that was close one. so yeah, along with the love of wisdom, i also got into. well, how do i even phrase this. you could go greek with it too but i didn’t even know the word myself till i googled it just now. anyway here’s an anagram for you: tcerieso. you can’t even imagine how happy i was to learn things. and here’s the key point — not new things, but names for things i had already come up with on my own (again just intuitively, they were raw). and how warm it felt. that symbolic proximity i felt to these thinkers and concepts. and of course, judging by my writing style and vocabulary, it’s not hard to guess what my favorite era and school of thought is. of course it’s the french. i love them so much. you know, the thing that starts with “post-.” obviously i spent a good while from like fifteen to seventeen stuck on nihilism and antinatalism, but who didn’t, really. anyway let’s skip the puzzles. my value framework that i live and think by every day includes absurdism, postmodernism, poststructuralism, and of course all the esotericism that explores monads, dyads, triads, and balance. basically the entirety of esotericism lol. it all started with alchemy, then hermeticism, then jung, then the kabbalah which, honestly, fuck kabbalah, i still don’t get any of it. and of course a ton of other stuff that i’m forgetting right now but which all digs into the same themes. so yeah, why did i start the essay like this and why am i talking about these philosophies? what undeniably draws me to them is their critique of grand metanarratives and absolute truths — everything that starts with “post.” about esotericism, if you don’t just know it but actually internalize it, it shows you balance. well, explaining that would be kind of mauvais ton i think if you didn’t get what i mean you wouldn’t have read this far anyway (i don't mean it in an arrogrant of reader way but self-ironic). like through enantiodromic principle, everything equalizes and balances out in the end. and absurdism it’s the connective tissue here. in the sense that it doesn’t diminish other ideas but kind of says “i already contain all your concepts.” not cutting them down or setting itself up as some replacement and opposition. that's what i love about the idea of philosophical suicide. the so-called sacrificium intellectum. the kierkegaardian leap of faith, but not just about faith. and philosophical suicide is a requirement for life. and yeah, i live by that too, choosing this pseudo-intellectual bullshit. and i like it. that’s basically how i crawled out of nihilism. this self-reflective nature is what appeals to me. you can just become a patriot, or you can become one and also reflect on the fact that you're sacrificing your intellect and critical thinking. same goes for faith. speaking of faith: i never got to experience the other side of it. and you know, i’d honestly love to. my experience tells me there’s truth on both sides, and even if i can’t really see it clearly yet, i know it’s there. so yeah, i guess what i’m gently getting at is that it’s a little funny and often frustrating to observe all these movements offering absolute truth and the people who fall into them. that’s me putting it very gently; i could’ve gone harsher, but then the cryptic essay style would be lost. should i even mention how keenly aware i am of how i sound saying all this out loud? just a procataleptic gesture, you know. of course i’m not the only one like this. but it’s still nice to think there’s something in it. that exact construction “nice to think” because of everything mentioned above. and with that, i deterritorialize myself from here (:DDD you got that, right).