when you wake up after it all

everybody struggles with the thoughts of "am i good enough?" 

but then we have to define what 'good' is ... 

good at your hobbies, passion, job? good to those around you? good to yourself? 

good, as a noun: that which is morally righteous 

good, as an adjective: to be desired or approved of. 

often, often, often we take good at its adjective form and in this there are more definition traps we could get into - what is desire, what is approval - but i'd rather just jump right to talking about the problem of 'good' as a want to be desired or approved of. 

i mean, that's what we all want. we're pack animals and to be shunned by the pack, to be deemed 'not good' by others, feels worse than accidentally biting your tongue five times in a row. 

but placing your 'good'-ness in others' opinions of you needs to be balanced. who will you let evaluate you? ex. the black sheep in an abusive family, who may be good in the noun sense, is not good in the adjective sense. 

seeing how other's evaluations of good-ness may be contextually faulty or biased, we can then search for goodness in the noun sense of morally righteous. 

but again, this is complex. morals shift and sway. there is little to hold onto in this world. 

good-ness is an active, upkeep task, in which you must always be searching for the best way to be good, based on your personal context. this is exhausting. 

"but i want to be good."

why? for approval or for personal benefit? sort that out. maybe the overwhelming result of becoming a truly, good person will result in approval. maybe it won't. 

but what's wrong with just being okay? mid, even? 

well, to me, that just sounds a bit boring. i'd rather struggle to be good then be complacent in my own satisfied mid-ness. 

idk! what do you think?