TW (Suicidal thoughts/Venting)

Why is it so hard to be happy again.. I've been this broken person since I was a kid. Like 7 or some shit. So why.. why can't the world just let me be happy or die in peace.. my partner makes me happy and most days is the only reason I hold on but the more and more that keep piling the more and more that keep pushing... Everything I've fixed about myself is broken again.. and I don't want to keep fixing it again and again and again... Fuck no one would care or even fucking notice. And that tub is full.. and it's untainted... I've never been afraid of death... But I don't want to go quietly into it... Unless it truly is the end...