Fear of having fears

Something funny happened, I remember once I tried to write an entry here, but at the end I deleted it because it was "edgy", and maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, I can't recall because I deleted the entire thing out of embarrassment.


This isn't the first time I did that kind of thing (won't be the last either, and if someone feels this too close to home, it's because I can guess it's something common for my age) it's actually something I had to process this last months, and after something REALLY BAD happened to me last week I thought about something... "Why do I delete stuff?" and at the same time "GOD I SHOUL'VE BURNED THAT SKETCHBOOK" these two had been fighting in my head, bothering while I should be focusing on exams, and I think writing it down (and publishing it, for god's sake) will help :)

When I'm writing stuff, it can be storyboards, little stories for my spanish grade or literally to pass the time, I get the feeling that everything I wrote is trash, and as I said, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, you can see me saying that a lot in the future, because that's the thing, I can't really know how people are going to react if I stay in that "disconfort" zone where I feel trapped because I keep holding in my stuff, and at the same time I feel exposed whenever I try to share more about me, the whole "internet footprint" leaded me to have a deadly fear of expression altogether, I couldn't even use a confortable name for too long (even if it wasn't my real name, having an identity felt like a threat) because even if it didn't said anything with that identity, it felt like one internally, one once I passed that "phase" I felt terribly ashamed of, and in an impulse I deleted it, with all the evidence of my progress in drawings.

If someone already figured it out, yeah, I have issues with atachment, this "identity" is only here because I am seriously trying to get attachment to anything, at all, and this "persona" as bland as it can look, has stayed here for over 5 months (not on SpaceHey, like, in my life, secretly), and that's actually something I wouldn't have expected, this doesn't mean this acc isn't on danger, a friend of mine discovered my Instagram acc, and although I got them to forget about it (like, they don't even remember the user, that was a really close call for me) that experience only served me to realize how closer I was with the stuff I felt leaves me vulnerable, like the acc where I do actually publish personal stuff (I ain't meaning names nor data, I mean thoughts, actual opinions and well, my likes and dislikes xD)

Moral of the story? Idk, this is my first entry, give me a second. Maybe it's about how I need to be true to myself and have a completely different identity that I hide in my actual real life like if it was a dead body in the closet? That sounds about right :v.


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